i feel like this cycle will never end
first there’s the “i hate my job” feeling, then there’s the concrete proof, the “wait a second, how could ANYONE actually LIKE this job/company?" realization that gives me all this motivation to just find SOMETHING else… then i spend all day online looking at local job listings, realize i’m right on the brink of being overqualified for all these manual labor/completely out of industry job postings… or i’m way underqualified for all this tech shit and everything else. there is no in between. either you flip burgers or you wear a suit and tie and get paid way too much. finally, i end up at the place i am now, where i must question, again, "is my job really THAT bad?"
but of course, the answer is most fucking certainly yes.
you guys. i seriously have no hobbies. all i do is work and smoke weed to calm down from work, and in my spare time i search job listings and apply for jobs. that’s seriously all i do. and now that i’m off edibles, this week i’ve been mostly NOT smoking, and most applying for jobs instead.
i seriously feel like i might lose it soon. i sort of did this week, in a weird way. i like to always think i’m in control of my emotions but that obviously isn’t the case and i can’t really admit to them until i break down emotionally on the freeway and my boyfriend probably thinks i’m, in fact, crazy.
may will be 2 years that i’ve been a college graduate, and so far all i’ve learned is what i’m not.
i know i have friends still in the area who are struggling just as much as me. it hurts, right? to be so full of faith and knowledge and trust and hope and then one day, you become an adult and realize nobody gives a fuck what you do, where you work, or where you live.
this is dragging down my spirit harder than anything else ever has, ever. i have even contemplated going back to de anza for one of those spiffy certificate programs, except like always, i look at the list and don’t feel motivated by any of the areas of study, jobs, or career paths.
i’m just fucking broken.
i’m starting to think about leaving the bay area. something i’ve never, ever wanted to do. i just don’t know what else to do, but i KNOW i’m not as hopeless and stupid as i feel.
it’s fucking crazy. if i can’t make it, who the fuck can?
having such a hard time figuring out what i want to do for a living. just learned the hard way that just because a job gives me health insurance, uses my degree, and pays better doesn’t mean it’s any better fit for me. what a way to gain insight about who YOU are, i discovered i have a lot of hang ups when it comes to purposely violating people’s personal space, especially when those people are extremely young. i don’t know, but i’m still as proud of myself as i was a month ago, thankfully i got the message in time, JUST in time before i left my current job…
honestly, i’m so tired of driving around. period. listening to crown city rockers and feel like i should be driving and i hate that.
i miss typing.
i just want a job that i deserve, where i’m not making any more severe sacrifices because i feel like i’ve been patient enough, i’ve done enough. what more do you want from me, uncle sam? i guess it’s my fault for not figuring this shit out sooner. ever since i gave up my dream of becoming a zoologist when i was like 10, i never replaced it with another “dream job” because i felt like i already realized how hard and disappointing getting a job would be, that i was most likely the kind of person who was just supposed to hate their job. sounds depressing, but this realistic view has really helped me handle all that disappointment. i don’t know what i ever expected, it’s not that i don’t feel like i’m good enough, i just don’t feel like i’m lucky enough… to either know what i wanna do strongly enough to obtain it no matter what or lucky enough to have something handed to me.
back to square one, the job hunt again…
No, that’s weird.
sounds like some one’s trying to get some one else fired for a no call/no show. i don’t believe it’s necessarily in the company’s requirements to hunt people down for missing shifts.
you really don’t realize how badly somebody is treating you until some one else comes along and treats you the way you ought to be treated. i learned this lesson last year, and had to go to a very dark and gloomy place before i was able to see the light. i have once again supported some one who doesn’t deserve me, this time in the form of a corporation… but hey, at least they paid me for this bullshit. that’s probably what i deserve for liking money too much.
never in a million years would i have thought that i would be so excited to be working with children, honestly. i’m in my twenties and i do the whole “being selfish” thing wayyyyy too well and i don’t foresee having a child of my own for a very long time, and generally don’t show interest in any form. after a lot of thought, though, i can’t imagine a more perfect opportunity. i have been really missing school, mostly because at my bullshit job, i never used my brain. in fact, using my brain usually only hurt me because nothing ever made sense in that crazy world. this new opportunity has enabled me to discover how smart i am, how quickly i can learn, and the best part is the learning won’t end here; i will have more opportunities for further training. don’t get me wrong, i am nervous AS FUCK to begin field work, but it’s all a very, very good kind of stress and it’s a challenge i definitely need.
over the last couple months, i’ve put a lot of thought into what some of my ultimate career goals are. as usual, there’s numerous things i can imagine myself doing and being completely happy at (retail, for the record, was never one of them). i’m so passionate about cannabis and the spread of awareness, research, and education in the industry, it’s something i would LOVE to be a part of and would be ruthlessly dedicated to. same with music, but with both of these, unfortunately a certain amount of luck and opportunity have to go your way before something like that can happen (i’ve tried in both industries with no luck). i have also considered being a writer (over and over and over and over again) and it’s still a possibility in my future, but right now i need structure and independence first. same with other forms of art and poetry; things i LOVE doing and would love it if one day i got paid to partake, but i’m just not in a position to fully dedicate myself to any one of these things, which is why i’ve accepted the fact that i need to be a “normal person” with a career for the time being.
one of my more realistic career goals, i’ve come to realize, is working with “troubled youth.” i put that in quotes because i believe “troubled youth” really just translates to “bad parenting.” i think back to every kid that has ever irked me for real (or even grownass enemies who i know were mistreated), and i can honestly only blame their parents for their actions. we’re all different, yes, but the way we are raised lays out such a blueprint for the way we perceive and interact with the world… something many parents seem to either overlook or just not give a shit about. i do give leeway for parents to some extent, because i had the best parents ever growing up and i was still such a shithead in middle school for no reason. but man, if there was only some adult in my life to tell me that this bullshit was only the beginning…. i don’t know, i would have just felt better, you know? not like a school counselor or any bogus shit like that, some one who will tell it like it is and still be a strong support for academics and being successful. there are a couple agencies in my area who cater to this sort of thing with adolescents, and i’ve applied to a few, but i really need experience first.
that’s where this opportunity comes in. retail has completely warped and diluted my faith in humanity. i used to be the person always willing to help out people, and now i’m mostly bitter with everyone unless i feel a genuine appreciation from the recipient, which is rare. and they’re usually older than 60. BUT, this opportunity taps into a different pool of recipients who will appreciate my work, even if they can’t say it out loud. i don’t need constant praise, i just hate people bitching about shit that doesn’t matter, and that’s the retail industry in a nutshell. even your co-workers and “colleagues” become vicious at some point, at least in my experience. this opportunity will give me rewards that i haven’t felt in a very long time; imparting wisdom on some one suffering abnormal impairments to make their lives more pleasant. the ultimate goal is to make them as independent as possible, and that’s something i’ve always felt passionate about. i’ll have to undergo many obstacles and various accidents involving bodily fluids in order to get those rewards, but i honestly feel like it’ll all be worth it.
every time i surprise myself in an extreme way, it is usually followed by massive success. so. here we go. 2014.
time to rebuild the compassion/sympathy/empathy i lost while working 4 years at a bloodsucking retail corporation. i cannot express the sheer excitement i have to compose my professional declaration of voluntary termination. so close, yet i almost feel subdued because i don’t want to get myself set up for disappointment; my departure is long overdue, and leaving has been an unfulfilled dream of mine for quite some time.
"i really like [your work]. i can tell it’s something you really care about."
my boss, days ago ahahahaha if only y’all KNEW daydreaming about not needing this mediocre deadend job was the only thing that gets me through the day… for all 4 years… i’ve perfected the art of bullshitting, that’s for sure.
time to put MEANING and purpose back into my life. as scary as a new job/career seems at first, i am fearless. i got one job on lock and will get another opportunity in a couple days. may the best win. ;)
to my friends at “the company” - i’ll talk to you soon. i’ll think of you often. shit, i might even squeeze out a prayer for y’all. to the haters and shit-talkers i KNOW i got - pffffffft… ain’t worth the time. laterrrrrrr.
24 more to goooo….
but really, thank god for edibles and tinctures. it’s just that the edibles i get are ~haaaaardcore~ so i don’t get any thc in my body until after 8pm usually because i don’t want even the slightest chance of work ruining my high in the daytime… so i’m mostly this jekyll & hyde-type thing where in the morning/daytime i must have coffee to get me through the work day, and then when night comes, i thoroughly enjoy cannabis-infused goods. i get soooo high, i stay up late, and everything is beautiful, and dark, and everyone is fucking quiet, and it’s bliss ‘til i have to wake up in the morning and it’s no longer cannabis time. :( i do love coffee though, thank you coffee.
OHHHHH i went to a library for the first time since i was in college and it was also fucking bliss. libraries are just fucking beautiful, you ever notice that? the landscaping, the plants, the decorations inside, even the cafes (if they have one) are all just so much calmer and more pleasant than non-libraries. everyone i work with is always all LET’S JUST MEET AT STTTTAARRRBUUUCKKKSSS and honestly, the only time i spend money at work is when i’m working with some one else and they insist, heh. then we spend way too long eating and talking and i’m like wow, what a fucking waste of time… but i seem to be the only one who thinks so, and it’s not like i give a single fuck, so i never say anything. story of my life.
the library though, next time i get fed up with work or feel like i need to just leave for a bit, i’m going to a library. just hope one around me would be open because silly budget cuts and things have a lot of libraries not opening until like 1pm some days. LIBRARIES MATTER. this was my main recurring thought all throughout the day.
that’s medical bills for you, i guess. it’s not even that i can’t afford it anymore or that i’ve already spent like thousands?! but just that i’m STILL dealing with this shit. i guess i got my hopes up thinking that making my deductible for the year would actually mean that i don’t have to look at this shit anymore, but i was wrong. it’s not even officially over, i just don’t have an appointment until january.
just been noticing it’s one of the things that always brings me down, no matter how good i feel. and it’s stressful because of money… it’s just blah.
on a slightly happier note, had a good talk today with my “co-worker” (used to be my boss). he got in a car accident last night, it was his fault, and he loves his truck very much so it’s sad. thankfully, nobody was hurt because the impact was like 5mph, and he was able to find humor in it by telling me about issues that he’s having with his tiny ford focus rental, that he’ll hopefully only need for another day. i had this like, glow on the inside while talking to him about it. when i first got in my accident last year, i was so disappointed in myself, i wanted to keep it on the DL from people like him because i thought he would think i was stupid or something… i don’t know, it was just a really good talk, both in a personal sense and a work sense. he doesn’t even know, but his mistake made me feel better about my own mistake, not because he made the mistake, but because of how well he handled it. and in the work sense, he has told me before that i need to believe in myself more. there are times we don’t get along at all and i want to tell him he’s so full of shit, but this is a moment where i feel he is spot on, and i should follow his guidance.
also, he reminded me how much i NEEEEEEEEED to continue reading the sandman. like, fuckkkk.
i was sitting at the computer in my homestore this afternoon when i nonchalantly decided to check the store operations newsletter, which is sent to every store about once per period. i don’t know what told me to check today, but i did, and as i was browsing down the newsletter, i stumbled upon my own work and immediately i made a loud smirk.
figures. if you know anything about my company, you know that we are a special grocery store corporation based in southern california, and we are not unionized, which i’m mostly thankful for…. however, not being unionized means we slide by miraculously without basic necessities like a store operations manual, guidelines, or any sort of structured routine laid out by corporate. the only thing they teach us all the same is orientation and the register. other than that, you move up in the company simply by kissing ass or working hard enough that you won’t need to kiss ass (in some cases, you can kiss an ass high enough up the chain that you won’t need to kiss any new ass, but will probably still need to maintain the ass kissing you’re currently putting forth in an effort to maintain “credibility”). i was promoted to corporate a couple months ago, and i gotta say, i will never not work for corporate again in this company. not because operating a store is that challenging, it’s just they MAKE IT THAT CHALLENGING by not having in place a document which instructs the store how to operate on a daily basis. sure, we have all these policies and procedures we can lookup on the computer, but it’s only official documentation to protect the company’s ass from the law, like how to properly operate a forklift. the way things have always ran, the store’s operations are dependent entirely on the store manager. in some cases, this is a good thing; you get a manager you like, you establish and build a good rapport with them, next thing you know you’re part of a “team” and your idea of morale is the ability to crack jokes and “have fun” while still getting work done, you get treated like a saint and are offered every possible promotion. but if you DON’T get a manager you like, it’s hell because everything is taught and performed based on THEIR expectations, which are entirely dependent on THEIR LEARNING/TEACHING STYLE, WHICH VARIES SOOOOOO MUCH FROM PERSON TO PERSON… and if they don’t match yours or you don’t dig their style? well, sucks to be you, you’ll just probably quit after you’ve had enough because the company has declared this person WORTHY of operating a store and THAT is THAT.
but anyway, that’s not really what this is about.
what this is about is my company never taking the time to write down how things ought to be done, it’s just sort of implied… sort of. as long as a store manager plays by the rules (i.e. as long as you break only certain rules while maintaining a we-don’t-break-the-rules understanding among your associates) and the store and sales are satisfactory to the district manager and corporate, respectively, it’s allllllllllllllll good. they can basically do whatever. and this is totally evident if you walk into any of my stores. you might be greeted by susie sweetheart at store 1 but then go to store 2 (which is five miles down the road) and HOLY SHIT IT’S A YETI. you know what i mean? completely different animal.
so i made this thing a while back, late august. it was originally just going to be a short list of notes to go over with each of my cashiers. without going into too much detail, it’s basically because there is an extreme deficit with our cashiers, particularly MY district MY stores, so i made this simple bulletin highlighting all the important stuffs regarding this subject. i thought it was pretty good, said everything i wanted to say, and only took up one page (a requirement considering you won’t keep anyone’s attention in this company beyond page 1). i attached it to my end-of-week recap to my boss and DM a couple weeks ago. they REALLY liked it, cool. they forwarded it to the other people in my position (there’s 30 of us) and they were basically like HEY USE THIS. my co-workers were ecstatic, how could they not be? i wish i had something like that bulletin sent to me over a month ago; i wouldn’t have had to wonder why my company didn’t have these rules laid out and wouldn’t have had to use the time to create something from scratch myself.
my co-workers began using my bulletin in their stores with their cashiers… again, totally chill. we are pioneers and are meant to share ideas with one another, and this wasn’t the first time my boss had forwarded everyone my work. but then, here’s the funny part: i’ve gone over MY bulletin with just a couple of the cashiers at my homestore, not nearly the coverage i originally intended to reach. i keep putting off implementing this because other fires keep starting — an event here, donations there, soandso needs help here, wait why is this store so bad? — it’s now a full month PLUS after starting this position, and that bulletin was the first thing i created myself for my stores in particular.
so i’m scrolling through this period’s newsletter and i see my bulletin/article. i recognize it right away, since i’ve been getting so many compliments and acknowledgment from it. the funny part is, i never was told this was going to happen. it just appeared. also, they left my first name on the article, which reinforces the fact that nobody proofreads anything. my formatting and everything was the same. so. does that mean i don’t need to talk about it with my cashiers now? heh…
pretty funny, i notice a deficit in cashier training so i make a bulletin to teach to my cashiers and it accidentally gets sent to everyone in the company before i have even talked about it with my store managers. this was after almost a full day of work being used TYPING UP AN EMAIL because my partner hates typing. to his defense, he really is bad at it and took 10 minutes just to create 2 lines of text with 10 errors. it’s no big deal to me, i love typing and my average is 100wpm with 0 errors. i’m used to people asking me for email/format/resume/writing help. everyone is always so impressed with me, but i just feel like i’m still in my high school literature classes correcting the kid who just isn’t paying attention. it’s not that i feel so superior to everyone else, but it seems to me like nobody else is trying… which is exactly what happens in the company i work for.
if i have such a way with words, am i wasting my time by not writing? because i made one thing that didn’t seem so great to me, and it ended up being used not only as an example for everyone in my position, but for everyone in my company. i have a gift, or something. on one hand i feel proud knowing my 30 minutes of work from over a month ago is still being praised and adored, but on the other hand i know i am capable of so much more, not only in this job and for this company but for literature in general.
writing has always been a passion for me, but i declined the “author” career a long time ago because nobody does anything with a B.A. in english, right avenue q? but then…… it’s not like…… i’m doing…… anything…… with this psych degree…… anyway……