24 more to goooo….
but really, thank god for edibles and tinctures. it’s just that the edibles i get are ~haaaaardcore~ so i don’t get any thc in my body until after 8pm usually because i don’t want even the slightest chance of work ruining my high in the daytime… so i’m mostly this jekyll & hyde-type thing where in the morning/daytime i must have coffee to get me through the work day, and then when night comes, i thoroughly enjoy cannabis-infused goods. i get soooo high, i stay up late, and everything is beautiful, and dark, and everyone is fucking quiet, and it’s bliss ‘til i have to wake up in the morning and it’s no longer cannabis time. :( i do love coffee though, thank you coffee.
OHHHHH i went to a library for the first time since i was in college and it was also fucking bliss. libraries are just fucking beautiful, you ever notice that? the landscaping, the plants, the decorations inside, even the cafes (if they have one) are all just so much calmer and more pleasant than non-libraries. everyone i work with is always all LET’S JUST MEET AT STTTTAARRRBUUUCKKKSSS and honestly, the only time i spend money at work is when i’m working with some one else and they insist, heh. then we spend way too long eating and talking and i’m like wow, what a fucking waste of time… but i seem to be the only one who thinks so, and it’s not like i give a single fuck, so i never say anything. story of my life.
the library though, next time i get fed up with work or feel like i need to just leave for a bit, i’m going to a library. just hope one around me would be open because silly budget cuts and things have a lot of libraries not opening until like 1pm some days. LIBRARIES MATTER. this was my main recurring thought all throughout the day.
that’s medical bills for you, i guess. it’s not even that i can’t afford it anymore or that i’ve already spent like thousands?! but just that i’m STILL dealing with this shit. i guess i got my hopes up thinking that making my deductible for the year would actually mean that i don’t have to look at this shit anymore, but i was wrong. it’s not even officially over, i just don’t have an appointment until january.
just been noticing it’s one of the things that always brings me down, no matter how good i feel. and it’s stressful because of money… it’s just blah.
on a slightly happier note, had a good talk today with my “co-worker” (used to be my boss). he got in a car accident last night, it was his fault, and he loves his truck very much so it’s sad. thankfully, nobody was hurt because the impact was like 5mph, and he was able to find humor in it by telling me about issues that he’s having with his tiny ford focus rental, that he’ll hopefully only need for another day. i had this like, glow on the inside while talking to him about it. when i first got in my accident last year, i was so disappointed in myself, i wanted to keep it on the DL from people like him because i thought he would think i was stupid or something… i don’t know, it was just a really good talk, both in a personal sense and a work sense. he doesn’t even know, but his mistake made me feel better about my own mistake, not because he made the mistake, but because of how well he handled it. and in the work sense, he has told me before that i need to believe in myself more. there are times we don’t get along at all and i want to tell him he’s so full of shit, but this is a moment where i feel he is spot on, and i should follow his guidance.
also, he reminded me how much i NEEEEEEEEED to continue reading the sandman. like, fuckkkk.
i was sitting at the computer in my homestore this afternoon when i nonchalantly decided to check the store operations newsletter, which is sent to every store about once per period. i don’t know what told me to check today, but i did, and as i was browsing down the newsletter, i stumbled upon my own work and immediately i made a loud smirk.
figures. if you know anything about my company, you know that we are a special grocery store corporation based in southern california, and we are not unionized, which i’m mostly thankful for…. however, not being unionized means we slide by miraculously without basic necessities like a store operations manual, guidelines, or any sort of structured routine laid out by corporate. the only thing they teach us all the same is orientation and the register. other than that, you move up in the company simply by kissing ass or working hard enough that you won’t need to kiss ass (in some cases, you can kiss an ass high enough up the chain that you won’t need to kiss any new ass, but will probably still need to maintain the ass kissing you’re currently putting forth in an effort to maintain “credibility”). i was promoted to corporate a couple months ago, and i gotta say, i will never not work for corporate again in this company. not because operating a store is that challenging, it’s just they MAKE IT THAT CHALLENGING by not having in place a document which instructs the store how to operate on a daily basis. sure, we have all these policies and procedures we can lookup on the computer, but it’s only official documentation to protect the company’s ass from the law, like how to properly operate a forklift. the way things have always ran, the store’s operations are dependent entirely on the store manager. in some cases, this is a good thing; you get a manager you like, you establish and build a good rapport with them, next thing you know you’re part of a “team” and your idea of morale is the ability to crack jokes and “have fun” while still getting work done, you get treated like a saint and are offered every possible promotion. but if you DON’T get a manager you like, it’s hell because everything is taught and performed based on THEIR expectations, which are entirely dependent on THEIR LEARNING/TEACHING STYLE, WHICH VARIES SOOOOOO MUCH FROM PERSON TO PERSON… and if they don’t match yours or you don’t dig their style? well, sucks to be you, you’ll just probably quit after you’ve had enough because the company has declared this person WORTHY of operating a store and THAT is THAT.
but anyway, that’s not really what this is about.
what this is about is my company never taking the time to write down how things ought to be done, it’s just sort of implied… sort of. as long as a store manager plays by the rules (i.e. as long as you break only certain rules while maintaining a we-don’t-break-the-rules understanding among your associates) and the store and sales are satisfactory to the district manager and corporate, respectively, it’s allllllllllllllll good. they can basically do whatever. and this is totally evident if you walk into any of my stores. you might be greeted by susie sweetheart at store 1 but then go to store 2 (which is five miles down the road) and HOLY SHIT IT’S A YETI. you know what i mean? completely different animal.
so i made this thing a while back, late august. it was originally just going to be a short list of notes to go over with each of my cashiers. without going into too much detail, it’s basically because there is an extreme deficit with our cashiers, particularly MY district MY stores, so i made this simple bulletin highlighting all the important stuffs regarding this subject. i thought it was pretty good, said everything i wanted to say, and only took up one page (a requirement considering you won’t keep anyone’s attention in this company beyond page 1). i attached it to my end-of-week recap to my boss and DM a couple weeks ago. they REALLY liked it, cool. they forwarded it to the other people in my position (there’s 30 of us) and they were basically like HEY USE THIS. my co-workers were ecstatic, how could they not be? i wish i had something like that bulletin sent to me over a month ago; i wouldn’t have had to wonder why my company didn’t have these rules laid out and wouldn’t have had to use the time to create something from scratch myself.
my co-workers began using my bulletin in their stores with their cashiers… again, totally chill. we are pioneers and are meant to share ideas with one another, and this wasn’t the first time my boss had forwarded everyone my work. but then, here’s the funny part: i’ve gone over MY bulletin with just a couple of the cashiers at my homestore, not nearly the coverage i originally intended to reach. i keep putting off implementing this because other fires keep starting — an event here, donations there, soandso needs help here, wait why is this store so bad? — it’s now a full month PLUS after starting this position, and that bulletin was the first thing i created myself for my stores in particular.
so i’m scrolling through this period’s newsletter and i see my bulletin/article. i recognize it right away, since i’ve been getting so many compliments and acknowledgment from it. the funny part is, i never was told this was going to happen. it just appeared. also, they left my first name on the article, which reinforces the fact that nobody proofreads anything. my formatting and everything was the same. so. does that mean i don’t need to talk about it with my cashiers now? heh…
pretty funny, i notice a deficit in cashier training so i make a bulletin to teach to my cashiers and it accidentally gets sent to everyone in the company before i have even talked about it with my store managers. this was after almost a full day of work being used TYPING UP AN EMAIL because my partner hates typing. to his defense, he really is bad at it and took 10 minutes just to create 2 lines of text with 10 errors. it’s no big deal to me, i love typing and my average is 100wpm with 0 errors. i’m used to people asking me for email/format/resume/writing help. everyone is always so impressed with me, but i just feel like i’m still in my high school literature classes correcting the kid who just isn’t paying attention. it’s not that i feel so superior to everyone else, but it seems to me like nobody else is trying… which is exactly what happens in the company i work for.
if i have such a way with words, am i wasting my time by not writing? because i made one thing that didn’t seem so great to me, and it ended up being used not only as an example for everyone in my position, but for everyone in my company. i have a gift, or something. on one hand i feel proud knowing my 30 minutes of work from over a month ago is still being praised and adored, but on the other hand i know i am capable of so much more, not only in this job and for this company but for literature in general.
writing has always been a passion for me, but i declined the “author” career a long time ago because nobody does anything with a B.A. in english, right avenue q? but then…… it’s not like…… i’m doing…… anything…… with this psych degree…… anyway……
we were in a room — sort of like a conference room. i think there was food and some kind of presentation or film happening, but people kept coming and going constantly, so maybe it was more of an open house. we a large group of people i think, but the only people i knew for sure were danny and josh, so i stuck by them. after leaving the room, we were walking around what felt like a marketplace or flea market. there was a shooter on the loose, apparently hot on our trail. we didn’t want any trouble so we tried to nonchalantly and briskly make an exit… but then i realized i forgot my new york sweater in the theater conference place. i didn’t tell anyone. i just went back, carefully. there were no people around, they were hiding from the shooter at this point. but there was something else i forgot with my sweater that i felt too much sentiment with so i went anyway. i got the items and left, and when i came out i saw the shooter and his shotgun…. but all i remember is his shadow and the gun itself, nothing about what he or she looked like.
at some point, maybe before the conference, i remember sitting at a red table eating lunch with my co-workers, or at least josh and danny. and paul was there, the cashier who was just forced to resign last week because he was drinking on the job every single day. i looked at paul, he was wearing his baseball hat and gray light sweater like he just biked to the store to pick up milk the morning before he had a shift. he looked just the same. he still looked sad though. i looked at him directly in the eyes and said, “you know, i REALLY do miss you.” and he said “you do?” and i said “i really, really do.” paul was sober.
next thing i knew, i was in my backyard. the swingset was back like it was when i was 7 but it was in a different part of the yard, facing the bay leaf tree. we were throwing some kind of formal party thing or something, and my old boss was there with her significant other. i knew she was coming but didn’t care. i think my little cousin was there, but at the age she was when we used to swing…… maybe she was the 7-year-old. other traces of people i knew were in the air as i felt familiarity and comfort. maybe my grandma was there, but i don’t remember focusing on her if she was. i’m just assuming my parents were there because i was doing nothing to “host” the gathering and it was a pretty legit operation so somebody must have. and i just remember swinging, like i used to with my cousins way back in the day, not like i did in high school. we listened to music on our ipods in high school, but growing up we WERE the ipods — we sang and swung. but i didn’t sing, i just swang. and when i swung i went to high, i did all these crazy tricks in the air and i just felt so fucking happy. i literally can’t put it into words.
i finally got off to let some one else on as the sun was setting. i went up to my garage and saw my old boss and her significant other for the first time. i smiled with my mouth shut and so did she and we both waved at each other and it was the most genuine exchange i felt between her ever — even in real life when she consoled me after my best friend died. i was just so happy, and i don’t know why.
i woke up with the part of “afterwards (bring your friends)” where chip goes “girl show you how to do this dance, just bounce…. no hands” stuck in my head in the craziest way because i hadn’t thought about kid cudi or actual music all night.
did i take acid before bed, or……….?
i have no more energy left for this job. i have no motivation, pleasure, or excitement when i walk through the door. i have no pride for the words anymore. nothing excites me more than the day i tell them they can only torture me for 2 more weeks. sometimes i think i won’t even be able to do that…… and maybe it would be best if i was labeled “unrehirable” anyway. but nah, i wanna do everything right and break their freaking hearts because this is literally like the biggest breakup i’ve ever been a part of. it’s like knowing for a while that you’ve been needing to break it off but they’re clingy and won’t let you leave but their annoying habits get so much worse and sometimes you just sit there dreaming about killing them or
i’m going in today and requesting monday off also. so i’ll have monday, thursday, and friday off next week. like a fucking ~~VACATION~~. and i’m gonna use some PTO hours too, gotta cash those in before i peace it. but that means my sad days next week will be the other four. i’m just not happy there anymore, and it’s affecting my life OUTSIDE of those stupid doors, too. i need out. i need out so bad, and i’ve told my top 2 managers and they basically told me they can’t do anything.
they can’t do anything.
my boss said to me at least 3 times, “i don’t know what you want me to do.” i told him less hours, less DEPARTMENTS BECAUSE 4 AT ONCE IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS, and then this week bam another 40 hours. the other manager said “i don’t want you to have a nervous breakdown.” the fuck?
but hey, can you do reclamation, the promo cooler, fill/order/face/re-weigh meat, work/order deli, work/order milk, pull/order bakery, hang 1500 tags AND BE THE KEY CALL/BACKUP CASHIER WHEN NECESSARY?
it’s no longer fucking cute to give me 40 hours/week WITHOUT full-time benefits. it’s fucking WRONG. if i’m putting in those hours, you need to be doing something to make me happy about it and you HAVEN’T. nobody has. fuck this whole entire company i swear to god. i have plenty of friends still there but other than that, seriously fuck the entire system.
june 20 will mark the day i got my keys and started working full-time hours without the title. it’s been a full year. i’m fucking fed up, and i don’t even care what your defense is or how “IT’S GOING TO GET BETTER NEXT WEEK, YOU’LL SEE” because i have heard that EVERY SINGLE WEEK FOR ALMOST A YEAR AND I NO LONGER WANT THESE FUCKING KEYS.
it is so unhealthy for me to have this much hostility toward any person, place, or thing but lately all it’s done is snowballed at a rapid pace. and each day that i have to work, each week i see before me, i have no idea how i’m going to get through it. but i do, i don’t even shit on you guys even though i should. i work my 40 hours, i get my job done, and i do a damn good job despite all this. and nobody even fucking says thank you.
fuck this place so much. next day off is sunday and i’m not handling it well. i hate this place so much. i just want everyone to leave me alone.
got 2 emails for 2 different interviews.