i have no more energy left for this job. i have no motivation, pleasure, or excitement when i walk through the door. i have no pride for the words anymore. nothing excites me more than the day i tell them they can only torture me for 2 more weeks. sometimes i think i won’t even be able to do that…… and maybe it would be best if i was labeled “unrehirable” anyway. but nah, i wanna do everything right and break their freaking hearts because this is literally like the biggest breakup i’ve ever been a part of. it’s like knowing for a while that you’ve been needing to break it off but they’re clingy and won’t let you leave but their annoying habits get so much worse and sometimes you just sit there dreaming about killing them or

something.

i’m going in today and requesting monday off also. so i’ll have monday, thursday, and friday off next week. like a fucking ~~VACATION~~. and i’m gonna use some PTO hours too, gotta cash those in before i peace it. but that means my sad days next week will be the other four. i’m just not happy there anymore, and it’s affecting my life OUTSIDE of those stupid doors, too. i need out. i need out so bad, and i’ve told my top 2 managers and they basically told me they can’t do anything.

they can’t do anything.

my boss said to me at least 3 times, “i don’t know what you want me to do.” i told him less hours, less DEPARTMENTS BECAUSE 4 AT ONCE IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS, and then this week bam another 40 hours. the other manager said “i don’t want you to have a nervous breakdown.” the fuck?

but hey, can you do reclamation, the promo cooler, fill/order/face/re-weigh meat, work/order deli, work/order milk, pull/order bakery, hang 1500 tags AND BE THE KEY CALL/BACKUP CASHIER WHEN NECESSARY?

it’s no longer fucking cute to give me 40 hours/week WITHOUT full-time benefits. it’s fucking WRONG. if i’m putting in those hours, you need to be doing something to make me happy about it and you HAVEN’T. nobody has. fuck this whole entire company i swear to god. i have plenty of friends still there but other than that, seriously fuck the entire system.

june 20 will mark the day i got my keys and started working full-time hours without the title. it’s been a full year. i’m fucking fed up, and i don’t even care what your defense is or how “IT’S GOING TO GET BETTER NEXT WEEK, YOU’LL SEE” because i have heard that EVERY SINGLE WEEK FOR ALMOST A YEAR AND I NO LONGER WANT THESE FUCKING KEYS.

it is so unhealthy for me to have this much hostility toward any person, place, or thing but lately all it’s done is snowballed at a rapid pace. and each day that i have to work, each week i see before me, i have no idea how i’m going to get through it. but i do, i don’t even shit on you guys even though i should. i work my 40 hours, i get my job done, and i do a damn good job despite all this. and nobody even fucking says thank you.

fuck this place so much. next day off is sunday and i’m not handling it well. i hate this place so much. i just want everyone to leave me alone.

got 2 emails for 2 different interviews. 

• i’ve always loved my job, but it’s starting to feel like work. i’m on the verge of getting promoted…. but i don’t want to. well, people keep telling me i CAN and SHOULD take the initiative, or other people might get it before me. but i’m not sure if more responsibility/commitment is the right thing for me as i’m teetering between caring and fucking up royally. i’ve thought about ditching shifts A LOT lately, but i haven’t missed a day yet, or even went late or anything. this is crucial, though, because these feelings are coming back from when april first passed… it was hard to care then, and now as my goals are becoming more real, it’s harder to feel the same unconditional dedication that i always have. STILL,
• nothing gets me more hyper than some early-morning chaotic cashiering. each word in that sentence is extremely important. the fact of the matter is, i’m a fucking good cashier. sometimes, i think about how cool it might be for the company to hold competitions or something…. because i know i would win. ;) i swear to god, when done correctly, regardless if i’m exhausted and hungover, i can get so in my zone with cashiering that i just get all these endorphins and dopamine flowing and i become freaking unstoppable. happened last 2 mornings. i’m a fucking beast, and i can help the next customer on register 2.
• i really DO have a way with connecting with people. one of my co-workers and i talked for a little bit today. he got super personal super quick because he was irritated after events from working this morning. he told me something he said he never told anyone else, and although it saddened me to hear him say it, i could understand where he was coming from. and i didn’t tell him i was wrong, and he knew what i was doing and appreciated me even more. the funny thing is this person is one of the people who gossips the most at my store, AND he also complains the most. but in matters such as these, i know that conversation will only be kept to the two of us. it was awesome… and yet another reassuring moment to me that i have an ability to understand and accept people, and i need to embrace it.
• i drive a lot. recently, i’ve been not driving like, at all… for no reason, really. i’ve just been bumming rides from people instead of driving. it’s been awesome, but i’ve reached a point where i feel too dependent on others now, and i wanna drive my truck. last week, i hadn’t driven it in so long that the battery died. whoops.
• sometimes, being right kinda sucks. case in point: my grandfather. knew it was gonna happen literally at any moment, but it happened during MY moment, and i dunno. it’s weird. :/
• “money will ALWAYS be an issue.” my mentor said this to me personally. i think i definitely needed some one outside of my family and outside of my social life to say this to me. i hella listened and understood it better than i ever had before. it will always be an issue [despite what my co-worker said to me earlier].
• …likewise, and this is my own thinking, i will always be tired. i came home last night at like 8pm and passed out because 6am shifts + 2 dabs + zombies = fried brains.
• “it’s better to follow your dreams and shoot for something big than just sit back and accept mediocrity. especially if it’s destiny.” my dad said this to me. it was the first time, i’m pretty sure, that he’s ever said the word “destiny.”
• if it’s at all possible for me, i wanna go to grad school. this entire time, i thought my studies were ending… i just realized, in the middle of my last month of undergrad, that my studies are only beginning. i was merely searching for the wrong applications, as far as grad school goes. but now i’ve got a mentor to help me out, and he knows exactly what i’m good at and what i want.
• it STILL isn’t a good idea for people to ask me what i want to be now that i’ve graduated college. it’s hard for me to explain, but if i MUST throw out a title, i guess it would be “counselor.” just don’t fucking get some picture in your head of what i might become, because i’m certain not even i can picture it. i just know now what my strengths are. i wanna help people understand themselves better, but not in the sense of a mental healthcare professional. you know why? because by the time people go to a psychologist, they already think they’re at least a little crazy. we are all crazy, folks. no, what i want to do involves helping what my mentor and i consider “the underdog.” i want to teach people to love and embrace their differences and flaws instead of shielding them. i want to help young adolescents understand the world around them. i don’t want to “fix” or “cure” racism, i just want to acknowledge and recognize it. the next step is for future generations. trayvon martin was a major wake-up call for me… and yeah. i’ll just stop talking there, because i could go on about this forever.
• i’m hella freaking smart… “but if you ask a fish to climb a tree, he will live his life believing he is a failure.” yeah, found my calling. found how to make the most of everything i’ve been through and tie it all together in a nice lifetime.

this HAS been a busy month for me, though. it’s all happening so fast!

10-page research paper about cancer due on the 15th. haven’t started writing. a little worried, but only because my professor already told us she’s holding high expectations since it’s our last paper as an undergrad… english final on the 15th. paper due on the 22nd. i don’t even care about that paper, or that class. just pass me. psych of prejudice final on the 21st. have to meet with professor before! ahhhh. health psych final on the 23rd. possibly will be one of the hardest tests of my life.

psychology graduation on the 24th. campus-wide ceremony on the 26th, followed by my grad party… ahhhhhh gonna be a long day. been doing lots of planning and schtuff, including purchasing a pair of heels that i really adore (!!!). just gotta get a good outfit to go with them… >_____<

sent out my announcements, finally. (if you got one, you should feel special, just saying. my family is small and so i extend traditional barriers and sent announcements to those i feel super close with. y’all are family to me.) gotta figure out what we’re gonna serve, drinks, decorations, etc… so much to do still. graduating is exhausting!

other than thaaaaat… 40-hour work week ahead of me! woot. gotta make that money. there’s no room for screwing around with work right now, i miss K&L… but it’s keeping me grounded, somehow. without work, i would spend ALL my extra time smoking and spending money.

basically i have 3 (well, 4) lives at once. work, school, social. work is M/W and the weekends, school is T/THU, and social life is after school or work. family life? ehhhh, i try to make it home for dinner most weeknights. planning and doing so many things with my mom that it doesn’t seem like it’s missing, but it’s definitely on the back burner, oh well.

post-grad things i’m looking forward to:

1. NOT having to plan a big party (i love planning and i do it well, but when it’s my own party it’s blah because i have to make all the decisions).
2. PAINTING MY ROOM GREEN!!!!!!!!! it’ll be like i moved, ha. i’m never leaving the bay area, and i have no reason to leave my home, so a change will be good.
3. DREAM THEATER on july 1st, aka first concert of 2012, lol.
4. having my schedule completely open to work, so that i’m not doomed to closing weekends all the time.
5. SUB. WOOF. ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. ………?
6. it’ll be summer. :) :) :)
7. i won’t be in school anymore, or paying tuition. :D

i should go to bed, work at 6am! gonna hit the ground running….