tomorrow is my day off. gonna wake up early, go for a walk with luke, email weekly work shit, smoke maybe coffee definitely, then eat a special brownie with my mom and go see frozen at 11:15am. the brownie was her idea, but obviously i was gonna have an edible before going anyway because i don’t go to the movies without being highhhhhhasfuck anymore.
so. i already figured out what i want to write my third book about. the first is in its early stages, just barely achieving fertilization, though i’m not even sure if i will ever share them and for the time being, i’m just doing it for me… because writing is healing for me. words written, not spoken, help me the most. or something. anyway, the second book is going to be a collection of snippets from chat rooms and conversations on american online instant messenger. if i could, i would love to somehow be able to read all my conversations from all the way back, because reading me talking to someone else is like reading a character from a fiction book; a person i simply don’t know. my collection is the final 2ish years that i used instant messenger aka before smartphones became such a popular commodity. at the time, i had no real reason to save the conversations, but around 2008, AIM made it really easy to. originally, i just wanted a funny, out-of-context collection of ridiculous things that my friends and i would say to each other or encounter while chatting on AIM… but i think i would want to do half comedy, half saying something real. it has already reminded me how candid i can be online, i’m sure i can contrive something heavy out of it… people CERTAINLY had a thing for hitting me up literally just to talk about themselves and ask for advice. and i was okay with it, because i liked typing. in person, i probably wouldn’t have listened. IT’S GOOD STUFF. IT’S LIKE THE MOVIE ‘HER’ STUFF. TECHNOLOGY PLAYS SUCH A HUGE ROLE IN MY LIFE AND I WONDER WHAT I WOULD HAVE BECAME WITHOUT IT.
SO, the third book i’m gonna write will be about my relationship with cannabis throughout my life. just like the first, i won’t have to make shit up, i now have all the inspiration in the universe.
i also have to call my aunt back tomorrow, i just realized. why can’t peooppppllllllleeeeee jjjuuuuusssssssstttttttt ttttteeexxxxxttttttt mmmmeeeeeeee. or email? even facebook is better.
12pm the next day. still haven’t smoked the joint.
people who scoff at anyone visibly smoking, or by the dank smell… if only you knew how much i go out of my way to make that happen as little as possible. i know it’s gonna make you bitch, right? now, why would i wanna toke up and hear some one bitch about me, about my chill? so i take the responsibility in being discreet and not bothering anyone, and it’s not just with weed… i’m kind of an obnoxious person, i offend people without opening my mouth, but it’s never been my goal to offend anyone.
the problem is, always has been, finding a chill place to smoke without offending anyone. i bet it’s even hard in colorado, because even if it’s legal, there’s going to be some one offended by the smell of a plant burning for 3 minutes. you might think where i live, right? but you also have to be considerate of people you live with. and guests.
so i wait.
i rolled a joint at 10am and it’s 6pm and i have yet to smoke it, half because i slept for 4 hours in the middle of the day, and half because there’s a cop at my house again.
i’m sure it must be hard to do this while living with 3 stoners who toke daily… but man, being on this side of things has been interesting. probably wouldn’t be this discreet for anyone else, except it’s my brother, so i’ll deal… like i’ve been dealing for the last 4 weekends straight.
in the meantime, today was supposed to be my day off, i worked for a bit earrrrrly this morning, just had to email another one of my bosses, i have yet to be high and it’s 6pm. but whatever, still a pretty kickass day, with the rain and such. been a really good week, actually.
i wish there was a cure for anxiety, though. for all mental health problems. for all health problems. …
i wish there was also a way to make this anger stop, too. i have such short fuses, everywhere, with everything, with everyone; my fuses used to be so lengthy that i never knew just how fucking irritating it is to be alive until now, now that they’re short. and even though they say you shouldn’t bottle things up, spouting out all my annoyances would be a consistent chore that i simply am not up for… because isn’t it bad enough, having the thoughts? the negative ones, the nightmare ones. any more time i spend thinking something out, i get more irritated, and my negative mind wins every time. it’s an unstoppable virus, it will find the shittiest way to make the most disturbing thoughts feel real.
i should have learned this craft a long time ago, but i know it just takes practice. just amazing what one negative thought can do.
~anywayz. overrrrrrrrrrrrr it 4 now
…cuz i got high
it’s such a shame to know that so many of my friends perpetuate stereotypes and biases that i strive to detach from. i just saw some one post on fb a screencap of leonardo dicaprio from wolf of wall street where he’s biting his knuckles, and the meme says “SHE LIFTS, AND COOKS.” oh my god, RIGHT, BECAUSE MY ENTIRE LIFE EFFORT AND PURPOSE IS TO PLEASE A MAN, NOT JUST ANY MAN BUT ALL MEN. AND HOW DO WE DO IT??? WE MUST MAKE OURSELVES VISUALLY APPEALING TO THE EXTREME AND BY SLAVING AWAY IN THE KITCHEN, OF COURSE. maybe that’s fun for you, doll, but it ain’t for me. fuck that. fuck everything about that. also has NOTHING to do with the movie, and leo deserves an oscar for that role, PLEASE DON’T SPREAD DUMB HYPE ABOUT YOUR OWN INSECURITIES USING SOME ONE ELSE’S ART. i know that’s what memes basically are, but jesus fucking christ how are people okay with stereotyping women like this?????
my purpose in life is not to serve you, or anyone, and i am so entitled to my privileged belief that i won’t need anyone else to achieve happiness throughout my life. thanks.
these are people who will later blame their husbands for not “loving them enough” because they expect to be lifted off their feet at every possible opportunity and then when that unrealistic immature expectation isn’t met, they’ll claim their husbands aren’t trying enough and that they’re obviously cheating and omg always looking at the other swagged out hoes and HOLY CRAP I WANT A DIVORCE AND A BOOB JOB
my cousin just did that to her family.
people wonder why they can’t have the disney fairy tale endings but then when a potential good relationship comes their way, they hang out just long enough to catch another, moving oh-so-swiftly on to the next because THIS one, THIS one has a gym membership. clearly a better fit. clearly says so much not just about what i do on a daily basis, BUT WHO I AM ON THE INSIDE
BECAUSE WHEN YOU LOOK BEYOND THOSE FACEBOOK GYM CHECK-INS AND PROTEIN RECIPES
YOU SEE A VERY, VERY SAD PERSON
WHO NEEDS ATTENTION AND RESPECT
AND THEY FEEL THE ONLY WAY TO DO THAT IS BY SHOWING EVERYONE HOW ‘SERIOUS’ THEY ARE BY BEING IN THE GYM
THE ULTIMATE COMMITMENT.
getting real tired of your shit, america.
having such a hard time figuring out what i want to do for a living. just learned the hard way that just because a job gives me health insurance, uses my degree, and pays better doesn’t mean it’s any better fit for me. what a way to gain insight about who YOU are, i discovered i have a lot of hang ups when it comes to purposely violating people’s personal space, especially when those people are extremely young. i don’t know, but i’m still as proud of myself as i was a month ago, thankfully i got the message in time, JUST in time before i left my current job…
honestly, i’m so tired of driving around. period. listening to crown city rockers and feel like i should be driving and i hate that.
i miss typing.
i just want a job that i deserve, where i’m not making any more severe sacrifices because i feel like i’ve been patient enough, i’ve done enough. what more do you want from me, uncle sam? i guess it’s my fault for not figuring this shit out sooner. ever since i gave up my dream of becoming a zoologist when i was like 10, i never replaced it with another “dream job” because i felt like i already realized how hard and disappointing getting a job would be, that i was most likely the kind of person who was just supposed to hate their job. sounds depressing, but this realistic view has really helped me handle all that disappointment. i don’t know what i ever expected, it’s not that i don’t feel like i’m good enough, i just don’t feel like i’m lucky enough… to either know what i wanna do strongly enough to obtain it no matter what or lucky enough to have something handed to me.
back to square one, the job hunt again…
first time in a loooooooong time that i’ve been sober longer than 24 hours. if i think hard enough, i don’t think i could even come up with 24 hours that i’ve been thc-free since 2010 ahahaha… i don’t like using the word “sober” to mean “lack of cannabis,” though, because to me it isn’t about being “intoxicated,” it’s about peace and calm and healing and medicating. to me, being intoxicated means you’re unable to function as you would be functioning sober. on the contrary, i, like so many other cannabis consumers, can perform while medicated equal to OR BETTER THAN if i was “sober.” and what it does for my creativity… man, you just can’t beat it. there’s nothing else like mary jane in the world. i can be high off my ass all day long and still function like a “normal” person and nobody could have a clue. i know i could do my work blazed too, but honestly i never mix the two because i would never wanna ruin my chill with work.
didn’t even mean to go the full day without it, either, just happened. and today was totally a good day still. a great day, in fact.
but as i was talking with my mom about how helpful it is for sleep and stressful situations, i reminded myself that i can be perfectly fine without it. cannabis just makes my life better. like, you know, people who love caffeine, who drink coffee every morning, sometimes more… makes their lives better, easier, their mornings more enjoyable, their workload more doable and manageable. cannabis is exactly like that. it’s definitely more like caffeine than like alcohol. ironically enough, since i graduated college and have been a daily cannabis-user, my caffeine intake has severely diminished (and i drink even less, too). there for a while i wasn’t drinking any caffeine for about a month; i’m just glad you don’t get any headaches or painful withdrawal symptoms with cannabis like you do with caffeine. traumatic injuries aside, caffeine withdrawal headaches are the worst pain i have ever been in, by far.
so why do people still hate cannabis so much?
freakingggggg 2 buck chuck special at the cave screaming for me. damn. getting new glass is like getting a tattoo, just makes you want more and more. ahhhhh and the cave is the cornucopia of glass….
had some blow for the first time in almost 2 years. not bad, not bad. drugs are good, i don’t care what your mom says.
truth is, if i made [so much] more money, i’d do it more. only did it cause it was free, same as it ever was.
still never tired of just good old ganja on the daily, tho.
the first time i lost it inside and went crazy, i was a dumbass
sitting on my ass at the computer, scrambling to delete journal entries from a blog, our blog
replacing their content with the same ridiculous obscenity
all because of a misunderstanding, that turned to betrayal
my thoughts were racing, screaming at me for answers
to the what ifs, whys, how comes, and shouldn’t haves
it was the first time i intentionally meant to harm some one,
not with fists; my opponent was a third degree blackbelt
so i fought her with wits;
it was the first time winning didn’t feel nice.
you see, when i was young, i moved to a new town
the kind where no one knew my name, or my story
ironically, since then, i’ve heard kids begging for this
it wasn’t good for me, but it was for my survival
i had to adapt to this new world, all these changes
my entire life altered, but i was happy with how it was
bright as i was, i never learned how to make new friends
i was friendly but shy, i didn’t need anyone’s presence
i socialized enough to get by, scraping my way outta grade school
through eighth grade, when i did require a documented friend.
i fell in love with music, i picked it up quickly
i soared right through beginning band to advanced
where i knew no one, again
after only two months in, we had a decision to make
for the upcoming field trip, we would stay overnight
but since i knew no one, and couldn’t stand the thought
of ruining disneyland by being alone,
i decided i wouldn’t go, i was fine staying home
i had just gone with my family late last year
but then she changed my mind, stubborn as she was.
she wouldn’t let me stay, she demanded we play
and so i didn’t miss out, i went along with it
accompanied by this wild jewish girl, who never left my side
since then, we were best friends,
not because of interests or similarities, but because i had no one else
she was a good friend, we held it together
up to high school marching band, it couldn’t have been better
we met many more people, even i made new friends
and with it came the arguments, the disagreements, the fights
i couldn’t keep up most days, i sat out on the side.
but eventually their banter became unbearable,
i made myself a voice, and for the first time i cared
it felt good, having an opinion, knowing i was right
almost like an envigorating buzz from a stimulant
the battles became longer, yet the bonds grew tighter
as we made up time after time, leaving the bad shit behind
that is, until we went too far, we said too much
we made a habit of sharing our most dangerous thoughts
the stakes grew higher, the temptation thickening
to be a bad person, to hurt and damage another for survival.
on my computer, being frantic at last
i trembled with anxiousness and let my nerves erupt
like a bursting volcano, dangerously hot, rushing
it was then that i realized, there was a lot to regret
so many things that shouldn’t have went
was it my fault? was it theirs? did it matter?
it wasn’t fair, finally making a friend
only to care about the bad parts of each other
if i couldn’t trust a good friend, after all this time
who would i trust, when would i know, how would i survive.
everyone has a nice catering grandma except me. one is deceased (rip) and i never got to meet there, while the other just reminds me to study hard cuz everyone is counting on me and tells me to praise jesus.
i’ve lost all my grandmothers.
2/3 were super good, including one that was the best. i lost her first. it was the hardest.
i feel bad for the one that wasn’t super good. she did all that she could, i suppose. all while battling cancer and addiction.
i miss them. i feel like if i could see just one of them every so often, i’d be happier and less sad.
so now i’ve been listening to what i have by elton john and “circle of life” came on and
that’s just a really happy place for me to be.