i have to say something.

this weekend is a lot of things. first saturday i have worked in a long time. first time seeing my grandpa in a couple months. first time leaving my brother’s gf in charge. easter. greek easter. 4/20. today is the 19th, which means it has been 8 years since my grandma passed away. yesterday was the 18th, which would have been april’s 28th birthday. it’s a lot of feelings.

today at work, some one left their key in the baler. this happens fairly often and sometimes stumps people for 45 minutes while they desperately look for their keys; i’m not sure why, but i tend to be the one to find them a lot, even though it’s the same answer every time. today’s key i had never seen before. the baler key was solo on the keychain which had a las vegas piece. it was nice. one side had the strip all embossed in silver, it was sunset in the photo. the opposite side has the same photo, but was rainbow. i told every person i was currently working with that i found a key, asked if it was theirs. i never found the owner. i knew it wasn’t left there from a previous shift because i used the baler earlier and there was no key. nobody had left from that time to the time i found the key and asked everyone. i left it in the office.

yesterday i told my mom that i don’t really believe in heaven or an afterlife. i feel guilty for being this way, because while my mom is 80% secular, the small amount that she believes in, she has been enlightening me about my entire life. i think she feels like maybe she should have tried harder for me to be religious. i mean, she TELLS me that she wanted me to choose, but i feel like deep down she feels like she should have pushed me to at least try it. my grandma was the only other person who talked about heaven, and occasionally jesus christ. the only time i ever sang in a church, i was next to her. it wasn’t jesus i was singing for, and i didn’t care because it made her so happy and it made me so happy to see her so happy. she passed away of a sudden heart attack less than a week later in las vegas.

april was the first co-worker i had that became my friend. i was friendly and got along with everyone, but april was the one who asked me for my number and invited me out. her dad is a pastor and so she was very faithful to her religion, at least in the view of those who believed, too. one time we were both really drunk at a club with all our crew at the end of the night and i called her a bible girl. this was offensive and i knew it, but since i solely knew the “bad christian” side of her, she was able to laugh at it too. april had to get her tires changed a month before she died in october. her dad was above all a family man and was dedicated to saving money for his family and his community. he would make her buy used tires to avoid buying the super expensive ones, eliminating the need to buy four at a time. april grew up in east palo alto and felt strongly about not going to this mechanic alone, even though he was the mechanic her dad had always gone to and she knew. she abruptly asked me to go with her to change her tires one day when we got off work at the same time. when she asked, she told me that she needed somebody for carpool, since a trip to EPA could easily take 40 extra minutes at that hour. i gladly accepted and went with her to EPA where i witnessed a group of mechanics change a single tire of april’s red car. we got starbucks afterward and gossiped. a month later, she was involved in a car accident that involved a single car and a tree. the autopsy reported she was not intoxicated. the cops declared she hadn’t been speeding, somehow. their best guess is that one of her tires popped.

i wish i believed in heaven. i wish i could still have those hopes, but what i believe doesn’t align with that anymore. i need to find ways to cope with mortality, and i already have come a long way. i feel like i have been really close to death twice, but death has been a constant in my life. i have attended a funeral probably on average of once per year since i was four. then when i had to cope with losing my pets, i felt like i couldn’t possibly deal with this life and death concept. but since these two deaths, i have pretty much thought about every one in my life dying. it’s very distressful.

i feel like in the end, it’s all worth knowing better and living this life for NOW than to expect anything other than life and death. and if there is one thing my mom has helped me understand, is that life is a miracle… but with life, most certainly comes death.

you’re online all the time

"you’re online all the time" is what they say

upon observation of my phone usage frequency: nonstop to ny
dear future beings whom i may encounter, who i offend right away:
i acknowledge the fact that you are aware of my current phone status
and while i appreciate the updates on the developments,
i feel obliged to inform you, i tune them out;
i change the channel, i close the tab, i’m on with my night
but thank you for giving my filters full-time work plus benefits
though your mindless chatter goes in the spam folder,
interacting with people is the weirdest thing i’ve ever done
so i’m forced to take all opportunities with some sort of vague pride.
my mind is a machine, i have a lot going on at any given moment
i’m sure you do too, maybe try listening inward instead of only outward
our brains are just organs, just as our hearts, ears, and eyes
we are not robots, we don’t perform perfectly or consistently in any capacity
we are all bound to be blind, deaf, and dumb with time
i’m fine with that. are you?

i can get off my phone easily, you don’t even need to ask
all that needs to happen is something stimulating and/or wonderful;
theme parks and hikes and beaches and kittens come to mind
but when my amygdala and hippocampus are idle,
i lift myself to a higher inner power completely unannounced
learning is my favorite hobby, i do it whenever possible
taking bench presses in between human encounters
you see, i thrive on expanding my mind
while others focus on different groups of mucles in the human body,
i choose this one to sustain and mold exactly how i want
my mind is my most precious thing
it is the thing i’ve crafted my whole life,
a private gift from me from i
where only myself enjoys the ride,
and others just look on by
some offended.

i may be on my phone, but i’m on call with information
education is my regular shack that i prefer to dwell in
where others leave it messy and desolate, i take in all that i can
appreciating its very existence, no matter how sad
so, while the sight of my phone may be offending to you
rest easy tonight knowing most likely i wasn’t communicating with another being on the phone
when you saw me earlier at starbucks
i was just flying through the internet, the universal language of knowledge
and while it’s free, i must have it, i hoard it in my brain
expanding my universe, cruising anywhere my thoughts desire
growing my inner peace and understanding life one particule at a time
but you just need to vent while you wait, i get it
the universe is unjust to you today, you don’t deserve this
i’ll listen and participate when it’s real, something i take part in
wasted so much time on way too many 404 errors
i could scream.

things i have learned about myself #4828838273:

i can go all day every day without cable television, especially now that breaking bad is over and mad men is on its way out. i do still watch judge judy, the good parts of animal planet, natgeo wild, adult swim, shameless, the late show, and any 90’s throwbacks on nickelodeon, but other than that i don’t care to watch anything on television, ever. cable, i could easily live without.

on the other hand, i do require, as part of my vital organs, lightning-fast internet.

had a dream with my ex in it last night. i hate that he occupies any part of my brain in any state, even if it’s not real. that’s just how fucked up he was… an entire year and some change later, you’re still the biggest virus in my mind. in the dream, i asked him if his cat was still alive. he said “barely” or something to that effect, but it still made me laugh because even in dreams, i know i’m right. i bet newman is still alive.

when i think about newman, i get sad. i know i made new ground with him that nobody had before and it makes me sad thinking that i never got to say bye to him.

as for my ex, i have no thoughts or feelings. get the fuck out of my head.

ihopeyouneedmetoo:

theycallme-jb:

8bitrevolver:

This was meant to be a quick warm up, but it turned into a comic that I’ve wanted to draw for a while. This is something that is extremely important to me, and I appreciate it if you read it.

A while ago, I heard a story that broke my heart. A family went a cat shelter to adopt. The daughter fell in love with a 3-legged cat. The father straight up said “absolutely not”. Because he was missing a leg. That cat was that close to having a family that loved him, but the missing leg held him back. Why?!

Many people have the initial instinct of “nope” when they see an imperfect animal. I get it, but less-adoptable does NOT mean less loveable. 9 out of 10 people will choose a kitten over an adult cat. And those 10% that would get an adult cat often overlook “different” animals.

All I want people to do is be open to the idea of having a “different” pet in their lives. Choose the pet that you fall in love with, but at least give all of them a fair shot at winning your heart.

Don’t dismiss them, they deserve a loving home just as much as any other cat. They still purr, they still love a warm lap, they still play, they still love you. Trust me, next time you are in the market for a new kitty, just go over to that one cat that’s missing an eye and see what he’s all about!

This is what I always hoped for when I worked for an Animal Shelter, but sadly, most “broken” older cats were turned away.
Ask the agency or organization if you can do a “sleep over” or a test with the cat to take him or her home for a few nights and see how they adjust to the new environment, possibly with kids, or dogs, or other cats.
Just think about it.

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!

when i was 15 my family adopted a “broken” cat, he’s still extremely nervous in social settings (i.e. nonexistent), can only imagine what terrible things he went through before we had him… but he’s become one of the most important living beings in my life and i wouldn’t trade him for any “normal” cat. he’s broken and so am i. i’m honored to give him the home he always deserved.

the first time i lost it inside and went crazy, i was a dumbass
sitting on my ass at the computer, scrambling to delete journal entries from a blog, our blog
replacing their content with the same ridiculous obscenity
all because of a misunderstanding, that turned to betrayal
my thoughts were racing, screaming at me for answers
to the what ifs, whys, how comes, and shouldn’t haves
it was the first time i intentionally meant to harm some one,
not with fists; my opponent was a third degree blackbelt
so i fought her with wits;
it was the first time winning didn’t feel nice.

you see, when i was young, i moved to a new town
the kind where no one knew my name, or my story
ironically, since then, i’ve heard kids begging for this
it wasn’t good for me, but it was for my survival
i had to adapt to this new world, all these changes
my entire life altered, but i was happy with how it was
bright as i was, i never learned how to make new friends
i was friendly but shy, i didn’t need anyone’s presence
i socialized enough to get by, scraping my way outta grade school
through eighth grade, when i did require a documented friend.

i fell in love with music, i picked it up quickly
i soared right through beginning band to advanced
where i knew no one, again
after only two months in, we had a decision to make
for the upcoming field trip, we would stay overnight
but since i knew no one, and couldn’t stand the thought
of ruining disneyland by being alone,
i decided i wouldn’t go, i was fine staying home
i had just gone with my family late last year
but then she changed my mind, stubborn as she was.

she wouldn’t let me stay, she demanded we play
and so i didn’t miss out, i went along with it
accompanied by this wild jewish girl, who never left my side
since then, we were best friends,
not because of interests or similarities, but because i had no one else
she was a good friend, we held it together
up to high school marching band, it couldn’t have been better
we met many more people, even i made new friends
and with it came the arguments, the disagreements, the fights
i couldn’t keep up most days, i sat out on the side.

but eventually their banter became unbearable,
i made myself a voice, and for the first time i cared
it felt good, having an opinion, knowing i was right
almost like an envigorating buzz from a stimulant
the battles became longer, yet the bonds grew tighter
as we made up time after time, leaving the bad shit behind
that is, until we went too far, we said too much
we made a habit of sharing our most dangerous thoughts
the stakes grew higher, the temptation thickening
to be a bad person, to hurt and damage another for survival.

on my computer, being frantic at last
i trembled with anxiousness and let my nerves erupt
like a bursting volcano, dangerously hot, rushing
it was then that i realized, there was a lot to regret
so many things that shouldn’t have went
was it my fault? was it theirs? did it matter?
it wasn’t fair, finally making a friend
only to care about the bad parts of each other
if i couldn’t trust a good friend, after all this time
who would i trust, when would i know, how would i survive.

tshizimba:

everyone has a nice catering grandma except me. one is deceased (rip) and i never got to meet there, while the other just reminds me to study hard cuz everyone is counting on me and tells me to praise jesus.

i’ve lost all my grandmothers.

2/3 were super good, including one that was the best. i lost her first. it was the hardest.

i feel bad for the one that wasn’t super good. she did all that she could, i suppose. all while battling cancer and addiction.

i miss them. i feel like if i could see just one of them every so often, i’d be happier and less sad.

age 24, year 2014, day 1.

dope night.
watching birdman whilst dabbing.
had some edible earlier, too.
played ibb & obb.
with 3 college minds, we got through about 30ish? minutes before it beat us.
chips & salsa.
so much chips & salsa.
christine’s poetry. i like poetry.
remembered that crown city rockers exists,
and so does hieroglyphics, for that matter. both from oakland.
wearing the falcon punch hat, so my cranium is properly fried.
gonna start watching the wire soon (haven’t watched any tv in a month or so?)
tomorrow is thursday, and idgaf.

just took an anxiety assessment test (internet, non-scholar/accredited) and just reading the questions made me realize how much of the problems i perceive myself as having are anxiety-related. obsessive thoughts, control, IMPENDING DOOM, avoiding social contact, obsessing over health, easily angered/frustrated, less patient than used to be, feeling overwhelmed, worry, panic.

these have all slowly become encampments in my mind. and life.

sometimes, i think it would actually be pretty fucking sick to start over new somewhere else.

california’s a big state… fuck just any cannabis-friendly state, why not…