so i love beer, sometimes. i just really can’t do hard liquor. bacardi plus walking to dodgers stadium was not the recipe for awesome… but a couple shocktops and samples of my friends’ margaritas later and i was goooood again. it was the first time i successfully substituted alcohol in lieu of cannabis and though i didn’t prefer it, i was able to be social and silly and not sloppy. i was pretty fucking classy to be honest. i’m a cool bitch.

anyway. before the game we accidentally found the only fucking 7-11 in los angeles that doesn’t stock alcohol. why don’t they put that ON THEIR BUILDING OR SOMETHING AFTER WE SUFFERED YOUR TINY PARKING LOT AND EVERYONE BACKING OUT ONTO A BUSY PACKED STREET

then we almost side-swiped another car on glendale boulevard. yesterday on the way to the airport, X (our driver) decided to ignore a stoplight while traffic coming from the right had the right of way. the classiest 20 seconds of our life on the road.

after the dodger game while stuck in traffic on glendale, we insisted on blasting hip hop and our über driver not only obliged but ended a freestyle rap verse that ricardo started with the line “… and we took über hooome!”

every time i go to LA now, i’m getting to know the area better and am having increasingly better experiences as i’m able to explore more. it’s a great place to see, but i have to resist its temptation because los angeles is like cocaine.

so yeah, beer is fucking good.

"whatever"

i am a piece of shit: a thought process.

my high level of consciousness allows me to view humanity, life, and the universe to a degree that most people never reach in their lifetime. i’m able to see life for what it is, face value, and the consequences that automatically come with it. i don’t measure being “smart” by academic intelligence, but by the being’s grip on their own mortality.

i hate anxiety, but not all anxiety is bad for you; you need it to survive. you need anxiety to sense fear. unfortunately, our instincts will usually tell us to fight to the death, from a time in our ancestry when we did actually have to fight to survive. now, we are fighting traffic, anxious that this will be our third strike for punctuality. over millions of years, the habitual fight-or-flight defense has shifted from being in front of us to being inside us.

and when you don’t have a giant predator attacking you, you have nothing to kill but yourself. when you reach that level of consciousness, you have the burden of being my version of “smart.” you’re not only able to observe how shitty the human population is, but at some point, if you’re truly self-aware, you’ll realize you are also just a giant, dangerous, life-ruining piece of shit. you belong here. not because of god or evolution or science or anything else; because you are a piece of shit like the rest of us. so everyone just shut the fuck up and let’s try having a fucking good time while we’re here. you know, or not, whatever. just don’t be so fucking clueless when people kill themselves. at least their battle is over, and now they know who won.

it’s the most guesome realization a being can make of itself; that it’s disposable, destructing, sometimes self-destructing, and downright appalling and unnecessary. the fact that it took so much evolution and science and “sacrifices” (if that’s your cup of tea) to get here, and we are literally too busy blowing ourselves up and being greedy to expand beyond mars.

in my dreams, my predators are often dangerous people or animals coming after me. in my dreams, i have an opponent to take down, to fight to the death. but sometimes, when i wake up, i’m still fighting, still throwing out punches and screaming. the only difference is that, in real life, i have no opponent; i’m fighting myself.

people tell me i’m smart all the time, they just don’t know what they’re talking about.

1: What would you name your future daughter? 
i have a couple ideas…

2: Do you miss anyone? 
yes. i wish my boyfriend didn’t have to work so late tonight. :(

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
i would say thank you?

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”? 
yes, and i’ve been the one to say it. it happens.

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week? 
graduation things, seeing my cousins, seeing whatever life has in store for me this week…!

6: Did you go out or stay in last night? 
stayed in. :)

7: How late did you stay up last night? 
i think it was like 1:30 when i collapsed.

8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months? 
yeah.

9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? 
getting ready to go to my favorite dispensary, was not able to sign their petition since i’m not a resident of san jose… bummer.

10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it? 
nope.

11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? 
yeah. definitely.

12: Have you pretended to like someone? 
fuck no, why would i do that?

13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
that’s the goal. pretty easy so far, was never much of a thing for me.

14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? 
yes. thank goodness for him.

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?
i haven’t really had the best track record. when i’m in, i’m all in.

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?
i was not.

17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?
yep.

18: Hold hands with anyone this week? 
yes indeed.

19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
nope.

20: Who did you last see in person? 
parents are in the room…

21: What is the last thing you said out lot? 
”that’s funny.”

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
nope.

23: Have you ever been to Paris?
no, but i’m down.

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?
i am good at hiding every emotion except anger and like, unbearable sadness? like in the form of shocking news or something. then yeah i’m not gonna hide it. all other emotions i can keep hidden naturally.

25: Do you use chap stick?
i NEED it when i’m working and talking so much. x(

26: Who did you last share a bed with?
my boyfriend.

27: Are you listening to music right now?
no, but i should be.

28: What is something you currently want right now?
my boyfriend to be here. a new job. dmt. lsd. shrooms. some more hella good/pure molly because as of this week, i’m out.

29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?
yes.

30: How is your heart lately?
it’s never been better.

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
sometimes.

32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
last night.

33: What do people call you?
a bunch of different things, depending on how you know me.

34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
generally, if i feel the need to tell some one something, i do it.

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?
um, duh?

36: What are you listening to right now?
a friends rerun.

37: What is wrong with you right now?
i’m pretty tired even though i slept for like 10 hours last night.

38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
love is a seed you can plant; with proper care and nurturing, it can bloom into something truly amazing and beautiful that lasts a lifetime. or it can die within 5-10 days.

39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?
no. i never understood that.

40: What is on your wrists right now?
some skin and that’s it.

41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?
takennnnnnnn.

42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?
this customized stay high tie dye shirt is from ms. coral reefer!

43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
nah, probably regret fucking some one though.

44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?
yes. i feel bad for anyone who answers no to this. hug it out, man!

45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
yes.

46: What were you doing at midnight last night?
watching bob’s burgers and having some dabs. and other fun things. ;)

47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
fuck no. finally at a point in my life again where i can look forward to the future and not be missing the past. reminiscence is different, but generally i’m happy the past is back there where it will stay and not be able to hurt me anymore.

48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
i always prefer sleeping with my love over not sleeping with my love.

49: Have you ever been to New York?
yessssssssssssssss and it’s time to go back soon.

50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
yes i do. thanks.

i don’t think i can quite put into words how thirsty i am for a lsd trip. even a real shroom trip would be tight. the more i talk about it with experienced friends, the more i’m confident that it would be just the thing i need to help realign my mind.

i have really been attempting to take a step back and not let myself explode over anything. i haven’t in a while, but it’s helped me realize that i have a bit of a cycle going. i’m so used to being in a “reactive” mode, waiting for something to go wrong or somehow a conflict arising whereby i would need to fight to the death… no matter if i smoke or not. consequently, i focus so much on whether or not i feel threatened that i miss out on what’s actually positive.

yesterday was fucking sick. dabs at the gazebo, no fights or tension or negative energy. so fucking nice. i’m able to look back and immediately realize, at least, how fortunate i am to have such awesome people in my life, none of which feel the least bit threatening. i wore a hella weed-positive shirt and only half the people there were tokers, but i felt fully accepted. i also handled a 100mg redcap… didn’t flip out, lose human functioning, and i was even able to keep up with battlestar gallatica for the first time, which i would previously fight against.

when it comes to letting go, i feel i have done all i can, and i truly believe i’m over all that bullshit from last year, i’m confident saying that. but i could definitely use some kind of clarity or reboot to get my head back where it should be. i feel like i’m in fighting mode a lot and then i realize i’m the only one throwing punches and that’s the most embarrassed i get, looking back and realizing i’m the hater.

going from some one who gives you nothing to some one who is everything and gives you everything. it’s shock, if nothing else.

it astounds me how ridiculous and blunt facebook is nowadays. for such a social media “giant,” it sure makes a habit out of sounding so desperate for users’ approval. i was just on the full web version for the first time in a long while, hovered over a story, and one of the options was “make newsfeed better.” really? what are you gonna do, make shit up? change my friends’ statuses so it’s more interesting to me? whatever you need to do to make sure i am content with your “content,” right?

i don’t know what’s more pathetic, facebook’s obvious attempts to stay relevant, or the fact that it’s 2014 and we’re all still logged in daily… trust me, facebook, if i wanted good content, i wouldn’t go on facebook. facebook is the dumpster of all content and newsfeeds; it’s literally whatever your friends and family wanna bitch about. any content you find that’s worthwhile on facebook you can find elsewhere, such as cracked, i fucking love science, and the freedom from religion foundation. there is no original content, just people bitching and checking in everywhere so you know when and how their most recent bowel movement went, in addition to the bowel movements of their offspring and a picture for evidence to go with it. people repost things from other websites for “activity,” but what’s the REAL point of facebook?

just, wow. i always ask myself why on earth i bother with going on facebook, but i guess the smell of the horrendous stench pulls me in and i just have to see what’s rotting away in the dumpster today.

trying some green malaysian kratom and a little blue lotus. sitting at this bonfire talking about drugs with strangers.

my friends are fucking tight.

just 4 hours of sleep tonight. if i go to sleep in the next 18 minutes.

my giant unsaved post also discussed how i like emma robert’s character in “we’re the millers,” her attractive punk attitude and style was one of few redeeming qualities about the film, but it was better than i thought anyway. that’s it. bye.

whatever man. i’m just gonna go get high and eat noodlez

basically the post was about two things, gender and sexuality

and basically i was just saying how shitty society is with these things, making them only black and white

and how consistently throughout my life, i’ve always been “weird”

and when i was in college, i realized that though i am a “straight” “female”

i am not 100% of either of those things. not even 90% or 80% or 70%.

if you wanna know more, then you should come fucking smoke pot with me sometime. i’m in the bay. hit me up. if you have harder drugs then that’s fucking perfectly dandy with me.

sigh.

i just typed out the longest, most honest post i have ever made about gender and sexuality, and i went to preview it and tumblr decided to throw it away and now it’s gone. it was perfect and long and i don’t know if i’ll ever want to attempt to recreate it, which is really just a fucking shame.

strong desire to punch and destroy.

having a so-much-weed hangover

i smoked so much weed in the last 18 hours

weed and coca-colaaaaa.

tuesday was flippin awesome, saw gza in oakland. there were no rachets in the crowd, everyone was chill and dope as fuck. hip-hop that is purposely NOT gangster and has an actual message is the fucking the best thing ever.. especially when you see it live and you’re rolling so hard you feel like your eyes and teeth might pop right outta your face. it was one of the best nights of my adult life FOR SURE. gza was unreal, i can’t even describe. such a lucky bitch for being able to witness one of the greatest hip-hop artists ever, right in the comfort of my backyard. fuckkkkk gza just reminded me how badly i wanna go back to new york…

seeing adam before the show was crazy. TWICE, in fact. i don’t think i’ve ever had a connection with a performer like i do with adam. even with other hip-hop artists i see, usually it’s a big packed venue with so many people, such a small chance that the performer could even notice you. intimate live hip-hop is THE BEST for me. so fucking exhilarating. every time we see him perform and he connects with us and the rest of his followers, you just know he’s thankful that you’re there having fun with him. it’s a bond i can’t describe. every time i see him, i feel so happy and excited for him as a performer, it feels like i’m watching one of my best friends, and i just wanna see him succeed. i feel so lucky to be able to keep going to his local shows, and i hope he makes it. if adam can’t, shit, who fucking can?

it’s crazy to think that i lost a big influence in my life a couple years ago, adam goldstein, and now i found another adam as a source for complete inspiration. he isn’t a replacement, but it’s so important to me to know that there are performers out there, REAL artists, who aren’t on tv or the radio, and have something real to say. i’m never going to not listen. adam has a follower for life. FOR LIFE.

if you were at the gza show in oakland on tuesday, let’s be friends. everyone was so fucking chill. DOPE venue and staff, too! it was such a perfect show… except how gza was hella late hahahah we love him though.