day 6 of no smoking.
24 more to goooo….
but really, thank god for edibles and tinctures. it’s just that the edibles i get are ~haaaaardcore~ so i don’t get any thc in my body until after 8pm usually because i don’t want even the slightest chance of work ruining my high in the daytime… so i’m mostly this jekyll & hyde-type thing where in the morning/daytime i must have coffee to get me through the work day, and then when night comes, i thoroughly enjoy cannabis-infused goods. i get soooo high, i stay up late, and everything is beautiful, and dark, and everyone is fucking quiet, and it’s bliss ‘til i have to wake up in the morning and it’s no longer cannabis time. :( i do love coffee though, thank you coffee.
OHHHHH i went to a library for the first time since i was in college and it was also fucking bliss. libraries are just fucking beautiful, you ever notice that? the landscaping, the plants, the decorations inside, even the cafes (if they have one) are all just so much calmer and more pleasant than non-libraries. everyone i work with is always all LET’S JUST MEET AT STTTTAARRRBUUUCKKKSSS and honestly, the only time i spend money at work is when i’m working with some one else and they insist, heh. then we spend way too long eating and talking and i’m like wow, what a fucking waste of time… but i seem to be the only one who thinks so, and it’s not like i give a single fuck, so i never say anything. story of my life.
the library though, next time i get fed up with work or feel like i need to just leave for a bit, i’m going to a library. just hope one around me would be open because silly budget cuts and things have a lot of libraries not opening until like 1pm some days. LIBRARIES MATTER. this was my main recurring thought all throughout the day.
that’s medical bills for you, i guess. it’s not even that i can’t afford it anymore or that i’ve already spent like thousands?! but just that i’m STILL dealing with this shit. i guess i got my hopes up thinking that making my deductible for the year would actually mean that i don’t have to look at this shit anymore, but i was wrong. it’s not even officially over, i just don’t have an appointment until january.
just been noticing it’s one of the things that always brings me down, no matter how good i feel. and it’s stressful because of money… it’s just blah.
on a slightly happier note, had a good talk today with my “co-worker” (used to be my boss). he got in a car accident last night, it was his fault, and he loves his truck very much so it’s sad. thankfully, nobody was hurt because the impact was like 5mph, and he was able to find humor in it by telling me about issues that he’s having with his tiny ford focus rental, that he’ll hopefully only need for another day. i had this like, glow on the inside while talking to him about it. when i first got in my accident last year, i was so disappointed in myself, i wanted to keep it on the DL from people like him because i thought he would think i was stupid or something… i don’t know, it was just a really good talk, both in a personal sense and a work sense. he doesn’t even know, but his mistake made me feel better about my own mistake, not because he made the mistake, but because of how well he handled it. and in the work sense, he has told me before that i need to believe in myself more. there are times we don’t get along at all and i want to tell him he’s so full of shit, but this is a moment where i feel he is spot on, and i should follow his guidance.
also, he reminded me how much i NEEEEEEEEED to continue reading the sandman. like, fuckkkk.
my dad rules, too.
so, my uncle has finally joined the 21st century and got an iphone. he hadn’t used any phone upgrades in so long that apple gave him a FREE 5s gold model, valued at just under a freakin GRAND. he’s so excited about it, but also knows close to nothing about technology, and this is his first time even having an email address…… yeah.
naturally, he asked for my assistance since i’m a baus, and he’s coming friday so i can teach him how to technology.
my dad and i were just talking about how inept his brother is, and i said “yeah, it’s going to take a looooooong while to get that down….”
then my dad said, “yeah, be sure to take medicine. you’re gonna need it, not him.” my uncle and i are both MMJ patients, and my dad knows this.
YES, DAD, I THINK YOU’RE MOTHERFUCKIN RIGHT.
(IF my uncle decides to be high while i teach him then it will literally be like teaching a chimpanzee how to use an apple device, so, I’m bound to experience something special…)
april 29th, 2007 flashback.
xanga is having this huge ordeal about “xanga 2.0,” whatever… but after some twists and screws and arm pulling, i was able to find some of my old blog posts… no lie, i was sort of looking for something along the lines of this, haaaa. i used to be so lame. if you knew me from back in the day and you still know me now, well this is nothing new. but here’s some chuckles for those who have only known me as a stoner. obviously people saw truth in their judgments. weird. anyway, i’m now a super cannabis connoisseur, fully equipped with her own oil/bong rig and a medical cannabis prescription in accordance with california prop 215 and sb420. so for anyone SCREAMING cannabis intolerance at me, lol WHY WOULD I BELIEVE YOU, i didn’t even believe myself. i just hope you’ll end your ignorance one day like i did, even if it means you’re completely wrong today. i’ll forgive you. thanks.
"i don’t really like disclosing too much information on here… but man, let me say one thing: it’s so funny how people really do judge others. even if you say you “don’t,” oh trust me, you do. i don’t know what it is about me (well, i would understand if you knew me in middle school, i guess) but people look at me and automatically think i’m a stoner. so here’s one thing that will carry you far, cuz if you know this about me, you basically know one of the most important things about me: i have never, ever and will never, ever smoke any sort of thing under any circumstance. whether it is in, out, old, new, trendy, what everyone’s doing, etc. i will never do it. college won’t conform me and any friend who won’t accept me for it isn’t a friend at all. some of my closest friends are stoners, and if they can accept it, so can you. i will seriously be dead before i smoke. i’m not kidding. somebody points a gun to my head and says “smoke this or i’ll shoot you,” i wouldn’t do it. i seriously would sacrifice my life before i smoke anything. i’m that serious about it. i could sit here and list all my reasons, but i feel like that’s something i really don’t need to justify… plus, it’s a real long story.
anyway, i used to get real offended and butt-hurt when people would automatically assume i smoked, but i’ve learned to have fun with it. sometimes i amuse myself and have a jolly good time by going along with it, just to see how far i can get. people actually believe me! it’s hysterical. even some of my “friends” don’t believe me. i could announce myself as a self-proclaimed crackhead, and i think at least half of my friends would actually take it into consideration. so here’s news for anyone who needs it: regardless of what you ever hear or think, no, i do not smoke.
just had to share that. :]”
dear future me…
at this point, it’s 2013 and i’m 24 years old. i know enough about myself and the world around me now to know that the only thing for certain is death and disappointment. at some point, everyone i know and love in my life will die, potentially all before me. injustice will always exist, people will always be intolerant, uneducated, and disgusting. you will be hurt, deceived, lied to, bullied, broke, lonely, uncomfortable, and annoyed.
but with all this in mind, YOU have to make your life worth it. you aren’t a quitter, and you know that no matter what, you’re gonna die eventually so you might as well ride this shindig out as long as you can. there will always be some one worth living for, even if the rest of the world stinks. don’t be afraid to follow your dreams, don’t have expectations, and don’t let anyone get the best of you because they don’t deserve it. you’re the only one who can make your life worthwhile. the circumstances and life you’ve been given are the perimeters set, but there’s no reason why you can’t do anything you want. don’t be afraid to disagree with people, often you are very different from them and much smarter.
just don’t give up, and don’t settle for anything less than happiness. also, don’t forget your car payment… end of the monthhhh what’s uppppppp.
this is going to probably come out insanely corny, but i don’t care.
you are the only person who has remained by my side through it all. since we met at the end of summer in 2003, you have become such an important part of my life, i can’t imagine my life without you. you are the reason for so many good things that have happened to me. every happy memory from the last 10 years includes you, and that’s no coincidence. even though we have only been dating for a year, our anniversary doesn’t mean nearly as much as the year 2003 does, because that’s when our relationship started and it has only gotten stronger since that year. i know i’m a total bitch sometimes and we get like snappy at each other over dumb shit, but other than that, you have never, ever done ANYTHING to make me even remotely mad, sad, or otherwise unhappy. you have brought me nothing but happiness and words wouldn’t be able to describe just how strong our bond is or what it means to me.
i know at times i’m incredibly difficult to be with. for some reason, this hasn’t scared you away. you aren’t perfect either, but you really are my favorite person ever and i hope you never leave, because if you put up with my shit now, i know we have a great future ahead. i’m just a bit jaded in life right at the moment, which has nothing to do with you and i just wish that all my negative energy could somehow go to everyone else before you.
basically, you’re just the best person for me, i have never felt so sure of anything the way i have about you this whole time. and it’s ALWAYS been like this. i know other men have come and gone from my life in these 10 years, but honestly none of them EVER came before you, EVER. you are first in my life as my friend, lover, and more importantly my partner. that’s how we’ve always been and i want us to always be that way. i can’t see myself getting along with anyone else the way i get with you.
it should also be said that you’re the best in a way most people can’t even fathom. with you, i don’t have to feel paranoid that you might be interested in some one else… not because other people aren’t attractive or thirsty, but because i trust you that much. i know you’re honest more than anyone else and i trust you more than anyone. i’ll never forget that night that i tried BHO for the first time, i knew at the time that if you weren’t beside me, i couldn’t have done it. you make me stronger and encourage me to be myself. you make me proud and yet keep me hungry for more, always.
i think that’s enough, only like 3 hours until i see you~
introvert power: chapter 1
finished the perks of being a wallflower and go ask alice, not yet ready to continue the informers or the walking dead comics just yet, so i got myself involved with this new book called introvert power: why your inner life is your inner strength by laurie helgoe, phd. i fell in love with the book just from the description, seriously. i haven’t even completed the first chapter yet, but it’s already given me so much insight, the sort of insight i’ve been looking for to make me feel whole again.
i was always the kid who played by herself, i preferred it that way. without anyone there to play with me, i didn’t have to play “out loud” and everything i did was in my head. my possibilities were ENDLESS this way, and it’s honestly why i had the fucking sickest childhood. my imagination is just fucking incredible, i swear. but when other kids approached me and wanted to play with me, i let them. i didn’t hate people or devalue friendship, i just preferred being by myself. i was happy.
fast forward to high school graduation, when i received my public school record and found that glorious note from my kindergarten teacher, mrs. smith. i loved kindergarten, i adored mrs. smith, i liked my classmates, we had awesome toys and i loved coloring and learning the alphabet. the only negative things i remember about kindergarten was that one time i accidentally kicked a kid in the face when i was called up to the classroom, and i had this huge phobia of using the bathroom at school for a while, but mrs. smith totally helped me out with that, discreetly and everything so i didn’t feel uncomfortable about it. i peed at school! it was great.
…which is why i was rather shocked to read mrs. smith’s notes about my “anti-social” behavior and her deep concerns for my well-being. wait, what? i thought we were buddies, but here mrs. smith was all along telling my mom how much of a loner i was. i remember my mom mentioning before how so many people would always assume i was “anti-social” and “weird” for not wanting to play and scream with all the kids on the playground; i was fine chilling in the sand by my damn self. this didn’t really become an issue for me until we moved when i was in 4th grade, and i had to make new friends. that’s when i learned how to adapt, and began losing touch with that awesome solitude i had grown to love so much. it wasn’t just at school, at home, at grandma’s, at the park, everywhere, i LIKED being by myself… and i guess this frantically worried the majority of the adults who knew me as a kid.
thank god my mom was understanding and let me be myself. i can’t express the gratitude i have for her. even when i became aware of others people’s doubts and/or stares, i could always count on my mom to tell me “it’s okay, honey, i know you are fine by yourself.” my mom is the fucking best.
fast forward again to the darkest time in my life so far, it began around spring 2011 and came to an explosive end in fall 2012. it didn’t appear overnight and it didn’t fade that quick, either, so it basically swallowed 2 years of my life… and boy, do i wish i would have known all this introvert stuff sooner.
before, i only thought of introversion as a trait, not preference, and certainly not a way of life. it’s only now that i read this book that i’m able to see how so many of the things i do are because i’m introverted. i just thought introverted meant “liking quiet,” which is true, but it’s only the tip of the iceberg. as american culture would have it, we are a nation fueled by “ALL FOR ONE,” winning, going all in, balls to the wall, glory. extroversion. which is just fantastic for those extroverts, but what about introverts? it should also be said that most people have characteristics of both, and you can in fact possess extrovert and introvert qualities at different stages of life or at the same time. in fact, over 50% of the united states is introverted to some degree. but then why do i always feel so alienated? because we’re introverts! you won’t see us parading about the sidewalks like obnoxious circus clowns proclaiming our “inner energy” lifestyle, doing something like that is actually pretty extroverted.
anyway, i’ve come to realize just how taxing those 2 years were for me. i couldn’t figure out last fall why i felt like such a mess after a lame breakup. it was a long overdue end to a deadend relationship, and although i did feel heartbreak, it felt like so much more than that. it felt like my entire world was just… empty. but it’s because i spent 2 years constantly catering to one person, driving them and doing favors for them and working for them. i didn’t mean to do that, but slowly my life became less about me looking inside and more about HOLY CRAP! i’m late! i was always late, always behind, always needing to do more, always tired. for 2 years. i also juggled school and a full-time RETAIL job, which i’ll get to in a bit. i was exhausted physically, emotionally, financially, and obviously mentally. but i filled up so much of my time wasting myself on some one who didn’t deserve me, that i got USED to it and by the end thought it’s what i needed to feel whole. it felt like a void. perhaps the only thing i did GOOD during that 2 years of suffocation was yoga. maybe that’s how i kept my cool, although i did lose my cool an awful lot those 2 years and i smoked an awful lot of weed to keep those down to a minimal as it was.
this was also the only time since i was 12 that i didn’t blog or keep any kind of journal. i did tweet a lot, and that kept me grounded enough, i guess, but i just find this fact funny… especially now that i’m blogging more and more again. it feels good, man. i’m starting to really appreciate it again and feel once again like i don’t care who reads/replies, i just need to get this out. such a great feeling to have… to be able to feel empowered by releasing words from the tips of your fingers.
it wasn’t a surprise to me when i got in my accident. i totaled my 1999 chevy tahoe while driving a co-worker home. it should also be known that this particular individual was rather chatty, to say the least. one of those people who would come in the break room while i was on lunch and i feel like my whole lunch was ruined because it was spent listening to him talk. he’s still my friend, however, and actually this trait is found in A LOT of people i know, i’ve learned to adapt to people and their bullshit, as well. i was doing him a giant favor by driving him home, as i typically did every now and then, and he was doing his typical rambling on about what went wrong during our day (one word: retail) while i listened… even though i was the supervisor and he was just a cashier, any problems he perceived i was already well aware of, but i’m too nice so i just listened to him talk. it was one random moment of silence from him when the peace was abruptly interrupted by the sound of my brakes screeching into the car in front of me and both my airbags popping.
most people don’t even know that happened to me.
as dark as that time was for me, i couldn’t figure out why i still felt so miserable on the inside for months after breaking it off with the toxic people in my life, even after my heart had DEFINITELY moved on entirely. i still didn’t feel like going out and being social, going to concerts, or meeting anyone new. i would make plans with friends and cancel, something i never used to do. i just didn’t feel like doing anything. i felt an even deeper sadness whenever i noticed things that reminded me of those times, not because they made me sad, but because i felt like i was annoying my boyfriend by what he might consider dwelling on the past. and sure, that’s fair, of course, especially since he was THERE the entire time i was in my dark place. but another important thing i learned just from this first chapter of introvert power is an introvert’s need to reflect. in order for me to feel closure on something, i need to reflect on it, think about my actions on it, and ponder what i could do next time to make it better. for those 2 years, i did a lot of things i’m not proud of and took a lot of stabs that even at the time, i couldn’t believe i was letting it happen. but reading this book has opened my eyes and caused me to reflect, really, for the first time. and that’s when it hit me.
“introversion is an inward orientation to life, and extroversion (alternativelyspelled extraversion) is an outward orientation. though you probably use both introversion and extroversion, one of these orientations usually feels more like home—more comfortable, more interesting, and more energizing—than the other. introverts prefer introversion; we tend to gain energy by reflecting and expend energy when interacting. extroverts have the exact opposite preference; they tend to gain energy by interacting and expend energy while reflecting.” —helgoe (part 1, chapter 1)
i feel like i just experienced the biggest “DUH” in my life ever. suddenly this all makes sense. suddenly i get why i was so miserable even after cutting off ties, even after purchasing a new car, even after everything started going right in my life again. it all makes so much sense.
when i was in middle school and high school, i had the best summers. my parents worked, and my brother was really social/active and usually was out riding his motorcycle or truck or some damn thang… and then later he worked, too, which always left me with ALL DAY LONG to be in my solitude~ i totally respect and understand the people who thrive off human interaction, but i don’t. i thrive off of time to myself. even if it’s just sitting online, listening to music, reading a book, watching tv, etc. (i.e. things you can still do with other people in the house) i just NEED that time to myself. i learned so much about myself those summers.
a couple years ago, my mom was laid off, and she hasn’t been employed since (by choice). it’s been awesome having her here to do laundry and make dinner and walk the dog and she’s just so much happier but stays so busy and does so much for us… it’s great, it’s really great, and turns out we don’t even need that extra money. but it’s kind of been devastating for me without having that guaranteed solitude. but i’ve managed, and the times i DO get alone i cherish.
it’s no secret that before those dark times, i became an excessively awesome pothead. but even thinking in context of pot, it’s so obvious why i would enjoy cannabis so much. other drugs make you talk a lot, put you on edge, make you grind your teeth, and sure it feels great, but they ALWAYS give you a crash, and i often felt like my crashes were more damaging because of how much energy i expended socially. cannabis does no such thing, in fact there have been numerous times where i have been blasted off my ass until late in the night, get up early the next day and i’m ready to go, no problem! even when we were being insanely social with cannabis, it’s not surprise why i found those smoke sessions like fucking therapy…. NOTHING ELSE can get that many people to be that calm, quiet, and smart all at once. right? or tell me otherwise, please. cannabis is the shit.
as for my job, it also comes as no surprise to me that i basically quit in may and was given a promotion. well, lol, the promotion wasn’t on my end, but i really was thisclose to quitting… and i could NOT for the life of me express why i felt that way to my managers. i told them i was just so tired and exhausted on a daily basis, they understood given our circumstances at the time, but i felt like they really didn’t know what i was going through. not only was my job physically demanding and tiresome, but the most damaging thing for me was constantly talking to people. being the supervisor in charge 40 hours per week was just GETTING to me, and since both my managers were dominant-minded/extroverts, this just sounded like a fancy way to say i was getting lazy. it wasn’t even just the endless dumb questions and conversations with customers, it was my co-workers, too. nobody else seemed to understand how distracting it was to me to be talked at while working, while doing PAPERWORK that we were constantly held accountable for. nobody seemed to get why i disappeared for all my breaks and lunches, i didn’t want to be distracted with small talk, i wanted to just recharge for 10 fucking minutes and NOT TALK TO ANYONE. when i first started working there, my back killed me for the first couple weeks, but i got used to that as i became stronger and after that the only thing that would physically ache after a long day’s work was my throat. i don’t know how other people manage to speak for 8 hours straight every day and STILL have a lot to talk about when they get off… i simply can’t do it. i now work in a position where i deal with 80% less people on a day-to-day basis, and although it’s still not my life’s work, it’s SO MUCH BETTER for me. plus, i’m able to use my organization and thorough powers for GOOD! …instead of just to face the aisle that i’m just gonna have to face again tomorrow.
anyway, i think that was all the thoughts i had so far. the power of recharging with solitude~ and the inward orientation. today, even though i woke up early on my day off and went to bed late last night, i don’t feel drowsy or lacking energy at all. sometimes at this time in the night, i might justify a spot of tea or another cup of brew, but i’m good now, because i took 2 “naps.”
i didn’t actually sleep, but both times i went in my room with the half-intention to sleep. i was content just sitting there, reading, doodling on my phone, whatever. the second time was more or less a “time-out” for me from the world, because i felt like if i stayed in that situation, i was gonna erupt. and one of the things that has driven me to self-improve is the undeniable increase in my temper over the last year… and i don’t like that, i don’t like that at all. most of the time, my temper stems from a miscommunication or misunderstanding, and i sort of just rage quit. but i felt so much better just taking 20 minutes to myself and to not have to interact with the world. before today, i was worried that all this meant i was becoming depressed and lazy… but now i get it. there’s nothing wrong with me, society has just made me think that because america is an extroverted nation.
and yes, i feel so much better from writing all this down, i don’t care if nobody reads it. if i would have had this knowledge 365 days ago, i would have saved myself so much aggravation…
oh shit, just realized. the anniversary of my accident is tomorrow.