i have no more energy left for this job. i have no motivation, pleasure, or excitement when i walk through the door. i have no pride for the words anymore. nothing excites me more than the day i tell them they can only torture me for 2 more weeks. sometimes i think i won’t even be able to do that…… and maybe it would be best if i was labeled “unrehirable” anyway. but nah, i wanna do everything right and break their freaking hearts because this is literally like the biggest breakup i’ve ever been a part of. it’s like knowing for a while that you’ve been needing to break it off but they’re clingy and won’t let you leave but their annoying habits get so much worse and sometimes you just sit there dreaming about killing them or

something.

i’m going in today and requesting monday off also. so i’ll have monday, thursday, and friday off next week. like a fucking ~~VACATION~~. and i’m gonna use some PTO hours too, gotta cash those in before i peace it. but that means my sad days next week will be the other four. i’m just not happy there anymore, and it’s affecting my life OUTSIDE of those stupid doors, too. i need out. i need out so bad, and i’ve told my top 2 managers and they basically told me they can’t do anything.

they can’t do anything.

my boss said to me at least 3 times, “i don’t know what you want me to do.” i told him less hours, less DEPARTMENTS BECAUSE 4 AT ONCE IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS, and then this week bam another 40 hours. the other manager said “i don’t want you to have a nervous breakdown.” the fuck?

but hey, can you do reclamation, the promo cooler, fill/order/face/re-weigh meat, work/order deli, work/order milk, pull/order bakery, hang 1500 tags AND BE THE KEY CALL/BACKUP CASHIER WHEN NECESSARY?

it’s no longer fucking cute to give me 40 hours/week WITHOUT full-time benefits. it’s fucking WRONG. if i’m putting in those hours, you need to be doing something to make me happy about it and you HAVEN’T. nobody has. fuck this whole entire company i swear to god. i have plenty of friends still there but other than that, seriously fuck the entire system.

june 20 will mark the day i got my keys and started working full-time hours without the title. it’s been a full year. i’m fucking fed up, and i don’t even care what your defense is or how “IT’S GOING TO GET BETTER NEXT WEEK, YOU’LL SEE” because i have heard that EVERY SINGLE WEEK FOR ALMOST A YEAR AND I NO LONGER WANT THESE FUCKING KEYS.

it is so unhealthy for me to have this much hostility toward any person, place, or thing but lately all it’s done is snowballed at a rapid pace. and each day that i have to work, each week i see before me, i have no idea how i’m going to get through it. but i do, i don’t even shit on you guys even though i should. i work my 40 hours, i get my job done, and i do a damn good job despite all this. and nobody even fucking says thank you.

fuck this place so much. next day off is sunday and i’m not handling it well. i hate this place so much. i just want everyone to leave me alone.

got 2 emails for 2 different interviews. 

i do believe i am approaching a tolerance break. the idea has stuck with me since i went to portland at the beginning of the month… despite airport traveling (limiting my ability to take anything there) and going to a place i’ve never been to (limiting my ability to get it on the street), i was high all but ONE day. and there’s rarely days i don’t do it at all. so yeah, i live a fun life haa

but i have thought about it before…. now that i choose this lifestyle, i also have to deal with the consequences and limits that it brings. i used to be rather fearless with cops, thinking that if all i had to do was pay a stupid ticket, i’d just do it. but now, a cop pulls me over and gets a hint of my habit and we have to go into this ordeal of the usual 20 questions plus the threat and/or act of searching my car plus verifying i have a card and acknowledge marijuana is still an illegal substance plus a lecture on how i should reconsider my life and friends. i’m not scared of being pulled over anymore simply due to exposure but i just don’t wanna go through the whole, as i said, ordeal. at the end of it all, it just feels like another person judging and lecturing me on what i should do with myself, and then they don’t even GIVE ME THE FUCKING TICKET because something “MORE REAL” happens and/or IF THAT’S ALL I’M GUILTY OF, I GUESS I DON’T REALLY BELONG IN JAIL. probably because i’m a white female, i get partial stupid fucking immunity. but if a latino or black was in the same situation, the cop would feel the need to place derogatory terms on them…. fuck that. fuck that whole mess. see what a mess it is to get pulled over?

anyways

of course i’m high

i work 40 hours every freaking week. i’m a very hard worker, i earn my dollars. but when i’m not working, i’m high probably like 80% of the time. i figure 15% of the time i’m sleeping….? and 5% attributed to obtaining bud… maybe. yeah so like 80-85% of the time. a lot. any licensed person would instantly call me an addict, especially since i maintain that i obtain control of this controlled substance. they don’t even need to be a therapist or doctor, just any professional would turn their noses up to me like i’m trash in the gutter. i don’t care about your assessments, your research, your prescriptions, or your ignorance. keep it to your damn self.

i have a BA in psychology

and i’m mature enough now to know that if i’m going to like weed this much, make that ESPECIALLY since i like weed this much, i need to treat it well. not just some one night stand tramp, but a wining and dining gal. i gotta impress her, treat her right. she’s fragile. but she’s all i have sometimes to get me through the shit and she keeps me calm. she keeps the thoughts out. there are going to be times in my life, however, that mary jane and i can’t hang out. like if i get pregnant. or when i embark on a new job (failed drug test is a failed drug test; with my frequency of use, it would take up to 3 months for my piss to pass no grass). but it doesn’t mean i won’t come back to her or that i don’t respect her. i respect and appreciate her so much that i’m willing to be overly cautious and responsible to prove to you fucking haters that she ain’t bad, and you can be friends with some one who’s illegal and it’s ok. it’s ok to be “illegal.” it doesn’t even mean anything, it’s a man-made ranking system and it’s none of your fucking business who i hang out with.

also-

for 2 years i tried to prove to the world that you can be friends with some one who is “toxic” - your threats to society based on the arrogant judgments of the white collared white maaaaan. fuck, i had multiple people, no names needed, throughout my adult life already… cut out not because they’re toxic, but because they’re just shitty individuals. and that’s the thing. you don’t KNOW some one, you can be all these things at once! or none of these things! or some of these things! mixed variety! lo-carb! fat free! and it’s nobody else’s fucking JOB to judge you or make the calls for you or tell you your place in life or this world. fuck thattttttttt. we all have so many identities, yeah maybe we existed in a time back in the dinosaur days where cavemen were “simple” and didn’t have much to do or hide…. but fuck, we live in the 21st century. there are so many different groups of people wanting to break out, but we can’t we live in a small world and so we just have to STICK IT OUT and COPE with these MOTHERFUCKERS THAT WE HATE BECAUSE OH MY GOD THEY SMOKE WEED AND IT SMELLS LIKE A SMELL

anyways, i’m not gonna proof-read this, not sure if i made my point. i don’t give a fuck

mossball:

white people who describe their nationality in fractions

…….this is “funny” to nearly 40,000 people?????

my nationality can only be described in terms of fractions, the largest one being 1/16th. i’m a whole lot of nothing when it comes to ethnicity; my entire family was born and raised in america, everything i DO is american, just as naturally as anyone else from any other country. i’m 23 years old and it took me a lot of time, effort, and education to understand the meaning of my nationality, as i am purely american. critiques and one-liners like this one which imply “being american” isn’t a “real” ethnicity negatively impacted the way i thought about my ancestry and greatly diminished my development of self during my adolescence.

but i’m glad it’s at least a laugh for 40,000 of you.

so far today…. woke up, had an EXTREMELY painful procedure done at the doctor’s, my tolerance for pain is pretty high so i didn’t take painkillers beforehand like they suggested. after it was done, i was in so much pain and i was sweating all over, so my doctor gave me some. my mom was worried i was going to pass out, i was more concerned with ignoring the nausea.

ANYWAY, sooo i get home and it’s 9:05am, like wtf hella early and so much pain AND our power was out for scheduled maintenance so i blazed to help the pain.

- 915. blaze in my steamroller with some lemon diesel.
- 1100. repeat performance, different location.
- 1300. had the most wonderful dark chocolate kiva bar (finally) from elemental. only 60mg but still got a kick.
- 1700. had a dose of the super potent “on the rise” bricks.

it’s nearly 2100 and i’m still feeling the brownie brick. gonna go back out again soon for some latenight activities and have more brownie and/or more bud and/or astro skunk taffy from my vape pen.

so yeah, this morning’s pain was a motherrrrr but i have made sure to combat it with healing as much as possible throughout the day. :)

don’t read this post if you hate marijuana, or me.

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i wish i would have watched this movie when it first came out a year ago. i would have understood my own actions better and could have, like, maybe DONE something about what emotions were causing it but N-O-P-E.

it’s not that i regret my actions…. but fuck, i have a lot to not be proud of this last year.

watching arthur ¡NEWLY TO NETFLIX!with @popolol is the best.

aaaaand holy shit i hella just found out how to change the size of text in tumblr posts ON ACCIDENT whilst being blazed off my assssssssssss. lollipopz, mane. ;)

edit: ok, i don’t think it shows up on the dashboard differently, but it does on the post itself? w/e it’s big somewhere ha