gotta be something for me to write this…
i randomly just wrote a letter for my love for no reason, ha. i normally like keeping this sort of thing private, but as i was about to text him this, i realized i had a lot more to say and it blossomed into this short novel. maybe read it if you don’t know anything about love and want to, or if you think you’re in love because you have sex with some one and it feels good. or just listen to this song for a short version, pretty much word for word exactly what i was vibing here.
idk, some days i wake up and have no idea how i’m going to get through the day. i’ve been a little down, with health issues, financial crap, and business things keeping me stressed and cranky… but for all the negativity we can experience, sometimes you wake up and know you’re gonna tackle the day. today was one of those days, so freaking productive that i feel like i could sleep for a week. yet i’m up thinking about how lucky i am, because no matter what, this is what my happiness boils down to.
….guess tumblr doesn’t let you make a read more link for audio posts, so you’re just gonna have to deal with a longass post in your feed.
i don’t know if you remember, but december 17th, 2004 was our original anniversary date. for some reason, it never left my memory, probably because of how excited i was to actually be formally asked out by some one and not just stupid high school/middle school he said/she said crush/gossip dumb shit. so that marks 9 years that i have had romantic feelings for you. through awkward high school love, college drama, and now adulthood, i never stop being astounded by how well you and i connect and understand each other. i feel like you know me better than anyone else in the universe, and vice versa, but each day is like a new beginning and we never stop learning. over the year that we’ve been dating as adults, i’ve discovered just how right you are for me, and that i could never have anyone better. those are just words, but i can’t express the feeling of certainty that i have when i look at you at 2am when we’re lying on the floor with blankets after a long day and i just know that i will never need anything or anyone else. you aren’t perfect, but you are perfect for me, and since you entered my life in 2003, you have been the number one in my life… even when i had other flings with other people, you were first always, no matter how far in denial or how fucked up on drugs i was. 9 years and my feelings get stronger with each day.
i remember that week of sophomore year so well. if you recall, just days before we became a couple, you showed me just how good of a friend you were to me. i had been going through a dark time, and in those days reached my lowest point, and submitted to an action that i have never repeated since…. and rarely think or talk about, but it happened. i remember everything so clearly from that week, even what lead me to doing that, and i remember you were there for me through it all.
i know it irritates you to talk about the past sometimes, partly because it’s unchangeable, but perhaps mostly because we were all just dumb kids then… but i hope you know that whenever i reminisce on old times, be it high school or marching band or the de anza era or our most recent escapade, one thing in all those memories is always prevalent: your presence in my life. think about it. anytime i talk about old times, you are in every single memory. there is a full spectrum of other people in my memories, but also realize that whenever you and i are amongst the group, you were the one listening to me most, making me laugh most, and we would always keep each other in check (and still do). everyone who hangs out with us past and present can easily pick up on the fact that we connect the most in a group setting.
there are memories i have from high school without you, sure. like that one time me, alex, christina, and sarah were hanging out at hadar’s house. it was like a “party” because her parents were gone. you were invited, but i distinctly remember you had to help your dad with something that night… so while everyone else enjoyed watching edward scissorhands, i anxiously watched the front door from my peripheral vision, hoping by some chance that you would come through it (i think your official rsvp was “maybe”). i know you remember the big high school transfer ordeal, and you should know that it still devastates me to this day that we didn’t get to spend half of high school together. even during periods where we didn’t talk much, you were always my long lost best friend all the way over at the other school, and i am pretty sure that was one of the hardest challenges i had to get through in public school. it was even harder than being bullied…. finally found some one who was a misfit like me that also LISTENED to me and was just like me, just to have them leave. i assumed at that point that we would fade away forever and our relationship would never be the same again, as i had experienced with past friendships. i have never been so grateful to be so wrong.
but then when high school ended, right on cue you proved to me once again that you would be an important person in my life. a person who wouldn’t leave. i couldn’t believe it. remember our grad night? obviously since it was the same night, we couldn’t attend each other’s festivities, but i absolutely remember you calling me at 6am after both our all-night parties were over. you were on the bus coming home, and i was on my bed having a mental breakdown because i was so bummed out that high school was ending (i don’t think i’ve ever acknowledged that, but rest assured, one of the worst breakdowns i have ever had was right before that phone call). we both shared our experiences, and you were so thrilled about starting out with the blue devils.
so, i don’t know exactly what this note is supposed to be. i don’t really care that much about december 17th, or any date relating to romance, for that matter, because our love is so much bigger than relying on something so superficial and manmade. what we have, as corny as it sounds, nobody else will understand, and i’m totally fine with that. if my parents don’t get me, it would bum me out, but i would get over it; same with my brother and other close friends. but with you…. if we ever stopped being able to communicate, trust, and understand each other…. i would just be so devastated, i don’t even know what i would do.
with other flings, my biggest fears were always similar no matter who the person was. they ranged in intensity and varied based on the person, but were generally something like a) do they actually like me? b) do they love me, or hold the capacity to grow to love me? c) are they cheating on me? d) are they talking badly about me? e) do they judge me when they see me naked? f) are they just pretending to like me and secretly laughing about me? g) will they leave me? but you’re different in every way. i don’t have to be concerned or anxious over trivial bullshit like that. the only concern i have with you, honestly, is that i hope i die before you because now that you’ve been in my life, i just can’t imagine living without you. i just want you to know that. i want you to know that no matter how angry or irritated or bitchy i might be, or what the circumstances are, there is no situation or thing you could do to make me want to not be with you. you should assume that it will never be a possibility unless i specifically say so, because it is a thought i never consider.
people ask me about the future all the time, and i usually just pull something out of my ass based on how i feel at the time… but with you, it’s different. i was talking to my cousin last weekend and i ended up telling her that i have never been more sure of anything for my future like i am sure of you. it’s the truth. what do i want in the future? i want to be happy, that’s always been my genuine response, and i know that a life with you will always keep me happy. the job, home, family, car, everything else doesn’t matter to me nearly as much as you. my future is with you, it’s us, together taking on this bullshit world indefinitely not because we have to, but because we want to. there are times where i get low, get mad, get so fed up that i take myself back to that dark time in december 2004, but i remember you and i remember what we have, and i know that life will always be worth it with you in it.
so, yeah. this is pretty long, but at least it distracted me for a bit while i come to grips with the fact that i won’t be seeing you tonight. but it’s okay, it’s not my first choice, but i know it’s fine and it’ll be worth it because tomorrow’s a new day, a day that i will get to see you. and next year, and the year after, and the decade after, there you’ll be. my number one.
love for all eternity and through every universe and dimension,