your life doesn’t become any more complete when you graduate from college.
i’m just saying this again, after saying it again and again and again and again, and i’ll say it again, until everyone understands. i see so many people going to college just because it’s the thing to do. WRONG, if you really care about your future and don’t have a planned career that’s a direct line after a particular degree, you should just stop wasting your money and teach yourself on your own. you can do that now, you know that right? and just in case you feel you can’t, there’s things like itunes university and shit. you should really look at it. really.
because i know you. you’re working hard, so hard. you’re holding down a job or two, an extra curricular, and your full-time classes and homework all for the sake of being a “scholar.” but all the bullshit and suffocating and money, you can’t even see that how you’re pushing yourself, TODAY, RIGHT NOW, is way more i inspiring than a piece of paper.
the degree won’t mean anything.
"go ask alice"
i’m a little more than halfway through… i mostly feel like this girl is just so lost and broken and almost nothing about it has to do with the drugs she’s doing, except it’s making her detach more? so yeah, making it “worse,” but it’s all because of how she’s approached it from the start…
i dunno, maybe this is why i never read this book. i DO like it, i just, i can’t… i don’t feel like a powerful connection with the character, and i guess from my experience both as a sober child and as a non-sober child i should be able to relate more, somehow?
after reading the perks of being a wallflower and feeling such a strong understanding and justification of THAT character… this just feels like she’s too young and dumb to know better. funny though, they both started off with LSD…
i’ll still finish it and still thoroughly enjoy it, because it’s still better than anything shown on television right now.
looking back, i wouldn’t have changed anything about when i started drugs, what drugs, where, and with whom. i can’t think of a smarter, better way than the way i did it… until of course i did that thing and then some other things BUT STILL, the drugs were always good. it’s funny, those 20 years in denial were actually still really beneficial for me, because if i started smoking too young, i don’t think i would have been able to make it out with a college degree, and that’s the truth. sometimes i sit for hours and wonder how i even got through senior year, my most challenging year academically… not because “potheads are couch potatoes,” but rather, the person i have BECOME since smoking this much… i just don’t have a lot of faith in these empty american dream endorsed establishments. i want education for everyone, but the thing is, how can we be sure what they’re teaching us is even “real” and even if they forced it into our minds, how can we be certain people would even listen? these are my biggest concerns with the future of education, from where things are now. i just can’t find any other justification for why education is becoming more and more an upper-class luxury and less of a right or even commonly understood goal. and we’re just taking it.
i just want everyone to be educated, but be insightful enough to know when they are being bullshitted, and i think i’m still buying into bullshit sometimes, too. if there was some way for me to make a living/survive without having to deal with these blood-sucking life-ending corporations, i would. sometimes i wonder what things might be like if i spent more time and effort into hustling than my own personal shit. i think i was tragically good at it.
i’m just thinking.
i just reread what i wrote, and i don’t see how any other human being could understand any of that, but it’s the best depiction of my train of thought and i can more or less understand it… so i don’t mind.
if i lived in a different time
i hear people around me all the time murmuring about how they wish they were from a different time, most seem to reflect on the way things “used to be.” people really do hate change, don’t they? i know mankind has plenty to regret, i’ll be the first to hate, but i think we’ve made some decent strides in what might hopefully be a world in which all creatures and organisms can peacefully coexist. the only theory we would need to worry about is darwin’s, because humans would get eaten just as much as animals…
….but if i lived in a different time, my opinion as a woman wouldn’t matter, i wouldn’t even be able to vote on the issues that affect my life.
if i lived in a different time, i would have been beaten in school until i used my right hand as my dominant writing hand, despite my left being easier.
if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t be able to know immigrants from mexico, which comprise the majority of my friends past and present.
if i lived in a different time, many forms of my favorite music would not yet exist, such as jazz, rock, electronic, and hip-hop.
if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t own my own vehicle, i wouldn’t even drive.
if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t be able to spit out curses and inappropriate phrases, just because i damn well want to.
if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t be able to talk to my best friend in israel, she would have just disappeared from my life.
if i lived in a different time, my future would be a desperate housewife, no customizing allowed.
if i lived in a different time, i would have to wear a corset on a daily basis, and
if i lived in a different time, i would have to marry a rich white man, which society implies any kind of rich male is bound to be happy and loved, but all the rich men i know are single and sad, even if they have a family.
if i lived in a different time, i might have to witness the most brutal forms of racism, and say nothing about it or else be tortured.
if i lived in a different time, i would have been “proven” to be a witch, and murdered without defense.
if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t have known neptune exists.
if i lived in a different time, i would be forced to believe in a religion.
if i lived in a different time, the only thing i could get away with smoking is a cigarette, and i would have to do it by stealing it from my mom and worrying about covering up the smell in the bathroom and other such nonsense.
if i lived in a different time, i might be raped and have no choice but to deal with it, not see a psychologist, and not tell anyone ever or else face further consequences up to and including termination.
if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t have the option to ex-nay an accidental pregnancy.
if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t have the option of openly desiring other women.
if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t be able to date some one of another race, when i’ve never dated anyone that shares mine.
if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t have a social or personal life, because i would be working all day and night, only sleeping in my spare time.
if i lived in a different time, i would have cervical cancer right now, and be dying at the age of 24.
some people might be even more cynical, realizing it’s taken us this long to administer these privileges… but the point is they are privileges nonetheless, and at one point, they were not accepted. i know there are plenty of things that are still wrongfully prohibi-
but we still have a lot to be thankful for. mankind is its own worst enemy, we might not be the free spirits we hope to be, but at least we aren’t imprisoned and controlled and starving and suffering…….
………..at least not all of us, at least not yet.
but i guess that’s a different rant entirely,
one that might read,
"if i lived in a different place."
self-acceptance: i am my happiest when i’m most cynical
i was walking on the stevens creek trail yesterday with popolol, whenever i do that i realize i need to do it more… especially a trail like that one, it’s this thin line divine crease of a zipper sandwiched around all these freeways, cars, buses, and other assorted bullshit
we were walking across a bridge and as it was beginning to vigorously wobble with the anticipation of some one approaching behind us, i suddenly got this weird idea; i asked popolol if he thought humanity would ever justify inventing rear-view mirrors to be attached to your person, so that whenever you’re on such an endeavor or any high-traffic area, you can be certain always of what’s behind you
he thought it was ridiculous, which it is
but then i started talking about iphones, about how absurd smartphones are in general now because everyone’s constantly on them… now we are seeing them being used in television shows, video games, movies, so now it’s like this fixture that isn’t leaving and we’ll only become more dependent… yeah, of course i have an iphone but
rear-view mirrors. aren’t people paranoid? aren’t people SO disgusted SO often by the idea of having to spend just a smidget of their day on a total stranger, even if by accident? even where both parties’ safety is a shared interest, like walking across a bridge. you wouldn’t want to bump into somebody, they could be running their babystroller, talking on the phone, and walking their dog at the same time, and still have the audacity to flip things out of proportion.
i started talking about multi-tasking, i shared that humans are actually really bad at it because studies prove that we perform best when we focus on one task at a time… the thing is, anytime we feel we can justify such a change to protect ourselves, we do. we’re a nation in fear of so many things, and we have reason to be because now every week we hear about somebody bringing a gun somewhere they aren’t supposed to…. we’re all so afraid, yet we have no motivation to help thy neighbor anymore. i don’t even know my neighbors names.
we got nostalgic, and talked about the ways people used to bully us in elementary school: the only person who talked to me when i was a new kid in 4th grade had the nickname “strange,” which didn’t make her any less awesome of a friend and i’m happy to say we are still buddies… he was elbowed in the face for not knowing how to play kickball.
when i was a kid, i didn’t want to fit in. i didn’t care about what other people thought of me. i didn’t have a dream job or career. i played by myself and couldn’t have been happier. i dreamed of animals and africa and the ocean and dinosaurs. when i got to middle school, i wore boys clothes mostly and ended up in the misfits group because i didn’t wear dresses, skirts, nail polish, or my hair any other way other than a ponytail.
one of my first memories was going to a park with my brother and mom. i was so excited; it was a warm, early summer day and the sand and the swings were calling my name. i raced from my mom’s car to the playground, where i instantly slammed my dinosaur into the lava, or water, or snow, or whatever the sand represented that day. my harmonious world of joy was intercepted by two young boys who were on the playground structure, who quickly and firmly informed me that i couldn’t play with that dinosaur, because i was a girl. i froze. i didn’t know what to say or do. thankfully at this time, my brother had heard and had my mom trailing behind him. i don’t remember what they said to the boys, just that they left me alone and i can’t remember anything else from that day. you see, the more i look back at my life, the more i look back and see people having a problem with me being me.
the more i see that my natural state and being OFFENDS most people, when i’m just trying to survive the only way i know how.
i’m not sure what conclusion i got from all this… even here repeating it in my head, i’m not sure why my rantings yesterday made me so happy, considering the majority of the time i was talking about how much i hate humanity, how un-unified our nation is, and how disappointing it is to get a college degree in a field you know is bullshit, or be in a job where each day you produce bullshit
i guess it just feels good knowing this person, popolol, who is my favorite person in the history of persons, has been through some of the same traumatic bullshit too. i’m not trying to make myself sound like some victim, i’m just saying i’m a survivor of humanity… of people being mean, judgmental, and hurtful to me despite me not even having thoughts about them.
ay, when people leave me alone, that’s when i gain the most.
the chronicles of an infamous unpublished author
i was sitting at the computer in my homestore this afternoon when i nonchalantly decided to check the store operations newsletter, which is sent to every store about once per period. i don’t know what told me to check today, but i did, and as i was browsing down the newsletter, i stumbled upon my own work and immediately i made a loud smirk.
figures. if you know anything about my company, you know that we are a special grocery store corporation based in southern california, and we are not unionized, which i’m mostly thankful for…. however, not being unionized means we slide by miraculously without basic necessities like a store operations manual, guidelines, or any sort of structured routine laid out by corporate. the only thing they teach us all the same is orientation and the register. other than that, you move up in the company simply by kissing ass or working hard enough that you won’t need to kiss ass (in some cases, you can kiss an ass high enough up the chain that you won’t need to kiss any new ass, but will probably still need to maintain the ass kissing you’re currently putting forth in an effort to maintain “credibility”). i was promoted to corporate a couple months ago, and i gotta say, i will never not work for corporate again in this company. not because operating a store is that challenging, it’s just they MAKE IT THAT CHALLENGING by not having in place a document which instructs the store how to operate on a daily basis. sure, we have all these policies and procedures we can lookup on the computer, but it’s only official documentation to protect the company’s ass from the law, like how to properly operate a forklift. the way things have always ran, the store’s operations are dependent entirely on the store manager. in some cases, this is a good thing; you get a manager you like, you establish and build a good rapport with them, next thing you know you’re part of a “team” and your idea of morale is the ability to crack jokes and “have fun” while still getting work done, you get treated like a saint and are offered every possible promotion. but if you DON’T get a manager you like, it’s hell because everything is taught and performed based on THEIR expectations, which are entirely dependent on THEIR LEARNING/TEACHING STYLE, WHICH VARIES SOOOOOO MUCH FROM PERSON TO PERSON… and if they don’t match yours or you don’t dig their style? well, sucks to be you, you’ll just probably quit after you’ve had enough because the company has declared this person WORTHY of operating a store and THAT is THAT.
but anyway, that’s not really what this is about.
what this is about is my company never taking the time to write down how things ought to be done, it’s just sort of implied… sort of. as long as a store manager plays by the rules (i.e. as long as you break only certain rules while maintaining a we-don’t-break-the-rules understanding among your associates) and the store and sales are satisfactory to the district manager and corporate, respectively, it’s allllllllllllllll good. they can basically do whatever. and this is totally evident if you walk into any of my stores. you might be greeted by susie sweetheart at store 1 but then go to store 2 (which is five miles down the road) and HOLY SHIT IT’S A YETI. you know what i mean? completely different animal.
so i made this thing a while back, late august. it was originally just going to be a short list of notes to go over with each of my cashiers. without going into too much detail, it’s basically because there is an extreme deficit with our cashiers, particularly MY district MY stores, so i made this simple bulletin highlighting all the important stuffs regarding this subject. i thought it was pretty good, said everything i wanted to say, and only took up one page (a requirement considering you won’t keep anyone’s attention in this company beyond page 1). i attached it to my end-of-week recap to my boss and DM a couple weeks ago. they REALLY liked it, cool. they forwarded it to the other people in my position (there’s 30 of us) and they were basically like HEY USE THIS. my co-workers were ecstatic, how could they not be? i wish i had something like that bulletin sent to me over a month ago; i wouldn’t have had to wonder why my company didn’t have these rules laid out and wouldn’t have had to use the time to create something from scratch myself.
my co-workers began using my bulletin in their stores with their cashiers… again, totally chill. we are pioneers and are meant to share ideas with one another, and this wasn’t the first time my boss had forwarded everyone my work. but then, here’s the funny part: i’ve gone over MY bulletin with just a couple of the cashiers at my homestore, not nearly the coverage i originally intended to reach. i keep putting off implementing this because other fires keep starting — an event here, donations there, soandso needs help here, wait why is this store so bad? — it’s now a full month PLUS after starting this position, and that bulletin was the first thing i created myself for my stores in particular.
so i’m scrolling through this period’s newsletter and i see my bulletin/article. i recognize it right away, since i’ve been getting so many compliments and acknowledgment from it. the funny part is, i never was told this was going to happen. it just appeared. also, they left my first name on the article, which reinforces the fact that nobody proofreads anything. my formatting and everything was the same. so. does that mean i don’t need to talk about it with my cashiers now? heh…
pretty funny, i notice a deficit in cashier training so i make a bulletin to teach to my cashiers and it accidentally gets sent to everyone in the company before i have even talked about it with my store managers. this was after almost a full day of work being used TYPING UP AN EMAIL because my partner hates typing. to his defense, he really is bad at it and took 10 minutes just to create 2 lines of text with 10 errors. it’s no big deal to me, i love typing and my average is 100wpm with 0 errors. i’m used to people asking me for email/format/resume/writing help. everyone is always so impressed with me, but i just feel like i’m still in my high school literature classes correcting the kid who just isn’t paying attention. it’s not that i feel so superior to everyone else, but it seems to me like nobody else is trying… which is exactly what happens in the company i work for.
if i have such a way with words, am i wasting my time by not writing? because i made one thing that didn’t seem so great to me, and it ended up being used not only as an example for everyone in my position, but for everyone in my company. i have a gift, or something. on one hand i feel proud knowing my 30 minutes of work from over a month ago is still being praised and adored, but on the other hand i know i am capable of so much more, not only in this job and for this company but for literature in general.
writing has always been a passion for me, but i declined the “author” career a long time ago because nobody does anything with a B.A. in english, right avenue q? but then…… it’s not like…… i’m doing…… anything…… with this psych degree…… anyway……
since i started smoking cannabis daily in 2011, i have quit drinking alcohol. i no longer eat artificial sweeteners. i don’t drink soda. i rarely eat frozen foods. i no longer smoke cigarettes, and i don’t partake in any illegal substances (re: coke) anymore. i find more pleasure in simple things like walking or hiking. i drink a fuckton of water daily. i’m more mild-mannered, before i would get hyper really easily because i have always been dependent on caffeine and my hyperactivity was often expressed as obnoxiousness, being loud, and spitting out whatever is on my mind; now i speak calmly, well-thought full sentences, and i don’t find pleasure in random blurts with strangers. i used to get such a rise out of alarming strangers, i no longer give a damn who’s even looking at me, just don’t do it longer than 5 seconds cuz then i got a problem.
my anxiety is manageable. i still have triggers and sometimes they can be set off even while i’m completely blazed. but it’s nothing like it was. thankfully there’s only one person on this earth who has seen how bad it can get, i don’t need anyone else seeing, i just need you to know how significant a role cannabis has played on my well-being… that i’m able to feel somewhat of a person again. i’m able to think for myself and BE BY MYSELF. in fact, i prefer solitude most any day.
i have become one with nature, i respect natural beauty more and i’m able to see good sides of even monsters. i spend less time being superficial and more time thinking about the universe and expanding my understanding of it, realizing how small of an organism i am against the vastness of our galaxy.
i’m healthier, wiser, stronger. i have plenty to improve upon, right now my anger is my biggest concern, but if you feel that i am snappy with you, i apologize and just want you to know it’s an issue i’m aware of. these are the same demons that threw me into such a whirlwind of overemotional fits and anxiety, and if all i have left to deal with is my temper, well i’m fucking lucky. the fact that i even have people who still care about me… i know i’m lucky. i know there are times when i am still very hard to be with. i know this because i have to deal with myself more than anyone else has to, and i’ve put myself through hell waiting for the world to turn my way. i have a much better grasp of reality and i know that nobody can make my world perfect for me, i must do the most i can with what i’m given and expect nothing from other beings. for so long i was waiting for some one to know what i needed and just give it to me, like a surprise. but i only wished that so much for so long because it gave me an excuse not to have to be the one who decides what i want. i’ve never considered what i want, and yet i have blamed the rest of the world for not giving it to me.
i know what my problems are that limit me, i know what my dreams are that motivate me, and for the first time, i’m not looking to others for help or clarification regarding either of those. it’s my life, my time, my dream, my reality. it doesn’t matter if i’m loved or hated, i’m going to be who i am because i do it the best and i’m a great organism the universe can be proud of.
it’s a shame, too
because there was a time when i believed in so many things. i believed in america, in our government, in our PEOPLE. i could justify volunteering, i wanted to make a career helping people in whatever way i could, and focused the latter portion of my college career discovering what that is…
only to discover like most things, my dream was only an illusion and completely out of my grasp. and i tried pretending i still cared, i tried shaking it off, but as much as i ignored it, i knew i could never be totally genuine again and that if i were to help some one, there’s a good chance they wouldn’t even care because people don’t KNOW what they need. not that i do, but there was a time i wanted to know.
now i honestly don’t give a fuck about humanity, and the only place i would want to volunteer for is an animal shelter.
the only thing i whole-heartedly believe in is weed and art.
everything else will either disappoint you because the further you dig, the more corruption you’ll find OR is about to fall apart anyway because we are so fucked
sometimes i wonder why i even pay my bills. it’s like i’ve accepted humanity’s soon-to-be end in the same way i anticipate breaking bad ending; i have a couple theories of what could be the clincher, all i know for certain is it’s going to happen.
and if you don’t feel this way
if you’re saying, no no, there’s still hope because of breast cancer research and private policies and minimum wages and social security and HIGHER EDUCATION (hahahahahahahahaha) then you’re as lost as many others here.
we’re fucked guys, if it’s not the weather it’s the radiation and if it’s not that then we’ll just literally blow each other up with our stupid fucking political entitlement.
i don’t give a fuck anymore, if it’s not about cannabis or some form of art or something at least SEMI related to these things, you can be completely certain whatever i’m saying is 100% grade-A bullshit. i only do that to pay the bills, and i’m not sure why i do that—pay the bills, i mean.
this is so valid it stinks
as a psych major i can say this is a big reason why i didn’t and won’t continue further. i realized this 3/4 of the way through my degree and realized if i changed my major *again* it would be thousands and thousands of dollars coming out of my pocket. and how i feel about psychology is generally how i feel about college and life-molds in general now
that field… the dsm…. big pharma…. so much corruption and money, you’d think they would be able to actually help people? but nah. they either don’t get it or don’t care. either way, not something i can make my life around…
especially because, to any professional in the field, i’m a crazy.
it’s the weed skunk.
so, today. the day i tweet about how ridiculous it is for denver to try passing a law that basically HOLDS STONERS ACCOUNTABLE FOR PEOPLE BEING ABLE TO SMELL THE HERB which is just ridiculous….
….is the same day that i go on vacation with my family, to a place of much higher altitude. this has always been a struggle in the past and now that i’m 420-wise, perfect opportunity to bring some cannabis along. i chose to bring edibles because duh, they’re edibles… but i also recently revived (i.e. finally bought a replacement skillet for) my vape pen, and since edibles can put me out for HOURS, i wanted something a little more subtle, too. so i brought a couple half grams of wax, too. yay.
car ride was long. air was thin. i was irritated and uncomfortable and running out of patience and energy. just like always. we get to the resort, pick rooms, yadda yadda, everyone else was upstairs so i packed my pen real quick… and didn’t think ALL the windows would be closed? or… idk. just plain forgot about that whole ventilation concept? i just put my fucks on hold and then realized oh hey…
so here’s news for stoners who vape, wax is still hella dank even when vaporized. today proved it for me. my roommates thought it was a skunk but then knew better and just assumed that because our door was left barely ajar, somebody obviously just smoked a joint like right outside our place
but nah that was me. on my vape pen. sorry y’all. i did the proper thing and aired out the bottom stairs, i tested it again later by leaving the window open in my room and smoking a bowl from the pen, didn’t seem to phase anyone…. they couldn’t stop talking about the first smell. it was pretty strong. at first i even thought it WAS a skunk. but nope, as soon as we got back from shopping and i walked in and it smelled like a dispensary…. yeah whoops lol…. but you know, vape pens are tight as fuck and instantly i felt relaxed enough to breathe like a human being and function, be nice, etc.
then i went in the jacuzzi and met some people from an LGBT convention, and another group that just happened to be from the south and east bay. and we all just happened to be in the hot tub at the same time. word.
came back, made myself a delicious coffee cocktail with bailey’s. ate some edibles. 2/3 of the house is stoned now, which is ku cuz even blazed this bed is uncomfortable….. yeah that’s my story for today, goodnight guyz