first time in a loooooooong time that i’ve been sober longer than 24 hours. if i think hard enough, i don’t think i could even come up with 24 hours that i’ve been thc-free since 2010 ahahaha… i don’t like using the word “sober” to mean “lack of cannabis,” though, because to me it isn’t about being “intoxicated,” it’s about peace and calm and healing and medicating. to me, being intoxicated means you’re unable to function as you would be functioning sober. on the contrary, i, like so many other cannabis consumers, can perform while medicated equal to OR BETTER THAN if i was “sober.” and what it does for my creativity… man, you just can’t beat it. there’s nothing else like mary jane in the world. i can be high off my ass all day long and still function like a “normal” person and nobody could have a clue. i know i could do my work blazed too, but honestly i never mix the two because i would never wanna ruin my chill with work.

didn’t even mean to go the full day without it, either, just happened. and today was totally a good day still. a great day, in fact.

but as i was talking with my mom about how helpful it is for sleep and stressful situations, i reminded myself that i can be perfectly fine without it. cannabis just makes my life better. like, you know, people who love caffeine, who drink coffee every morning, sometimes more… makes their lives better, easier, their mornings more enjoyable, their workload more doable and manageable. cannabis is exactly like that. it’s definitely more like caffeine than like alcohol. ironically enough, since i graduated college and have been a daily cannabis-user, my caffeine intake has severely diminished (and i drink even less, too). there for a while i wasn’t drinking any caffeine for about a month; i’m just glad you don’t get any headaches or painful withdrawal symptoms with cannabis like you do with caffeine. traumatic injuries aside, caffeine withdrawal headaches are the worst pain i have ever been in, by far.

so why do people still hate cannabis so much?

freakingggggg 2 buck chuck special at the cave screaming for me. damn. getting new glass is like getting a tattoo, just makes you want more and more. ahhhhh and the cave is the cornucopia of glass….

had some blow for the first time in almost 2 years. not bad, not bad. drugs are good, i don’t care what your mom says.

truth is, if i made [so much] more money, i’d do it more. only did it cause it was free, same as it ever was.

still never tired of just good old ganja on the daily, tho.

the first time i lost it inside and went crazy, i was a dumbass
sitting on my ass at the computer, scrambling to delete journal entries from a blog, our blog
replacing their content with the same ridiculous obscenity
all because of a misunderstanding, that turned to betrayal
my thoughts were racing, screaming at me for answers
to the what ifs, whys, how comes, and shouldn’t haves
it was the first time i intentionally meant to harm some one,
not with fists; my opponent was a third degree blackbelt
so i fought her with wits;
it was the first time winning didn’t feel nice.

you see, when i was young, i moved to a new town
the kind where no one knew my name, or my story
ironically, since then, i’ve heard kids begging for this
it wasn’t good for me, but it was for my survival
i had to adapt to this new world, all these changes
my entire life altered, but i was happy with how it was
bright as i was, i never learned how to make new friends
i was friendly but shy, i didn’t need anyone’s presence
i socialized enough to get by, scraping my way outta grade school
through eighth grade, when i did require a documented friend.

i fell in love with music, i picked it up quickly
i soared right through beginning band to advanced
where i knew no one, again
after only two months in, we had a decision to make
for the upcoming field trip, we would stay overnight
but since i knew no one, and couldn’t stand the thought
of ruining disneyland by being alone,
i decided i wouldn’t go, i was fine staying home
i had just gone with my family late last year
but then she changed my mind, stubborn as she was.

she wouldn’t let me stay, she demanded we play
and so i didn’t miss out, i went along with it
accompanied by this wild jewish girl, who never left my side
since then, we were best friends,
not because of interests or similarities, but because i had no one else
she was a good friend, we held it together
up to high school marching band, it couldn’t have been better
we met many more people, even i made new friends
and with it came the arguments, the disagreements, the fights
i couldn’t keep up most days, i sat out on the side.

but eventually their banter became unbearable,
i made myself a voice, and for the first time i cared
it felt good, having an opinion, knowing i was right
almost like an envigorating buzz from a stimulant
the battles became longer, yet the bonds grew tighter
as we made up time after time, leaving the bad shit behind
that is, until we went too far, we said too much
we made a habit of sharing our most dangerous thoughts
the stakes grew higher, the temptation thickening
to be a bad person, to hurt and damage another for survival.

on my computer, being frantic at last
i trembled with anxiousness and let my nerves erupt
like a bursting volcano, dangerously hot, rushing
it was then that i realized, there was a lot to regret
so many things that shouldn’t have went
was it my fault? was it theirs? did it matter?
it wasn’t fair, finally making a friend
only to care about the bad parts of each other
if i couldn’t trust a good friend, after all this time
who would i trust, when would i know, how would i survive.

tshizimba:

everyone has a nice catering grandma except me. one is deceased (rip) and i never got to meet there, while the other just reminds me to study hard cuz everyone is counting on me and tells me to praise jesus.

i’ve lost all my grandmothers.

2/3 were super good, including one that was the best. i lost her first. it was the hardest.

i feel bad for the one that wasn’t super good. she did all that she could, i suppose. all while battling cancer and addiction.

i miss them. i feel like if i could see just one of them every so often, i’d be happier and less sad.

so now i’ve been listening to what i have by elton john and “circle of life” came on and

that’s just a really happy place for me to be.

age 24, year 2014, day 1.

dope night.
watching birdman whilst dabbing.
had some edible earlier, too.
played ibb & obb.
with 3 college minds, we got through about 30ish? minutes before it beat us.
chips & salsa.
so much chips & salsa.
christine’s poetry. i like poetry.
remembered that crown city rockers exists,
and so does hieroglyphics, for that matter. both from oakland.
wearing the falcon punch hat, so my cranium is properly fried.
gonna start watching the wire soon (haven’t watched any tv in a month or so?)
tomorrow is thursday, and idgaf.

2013 ends on a good note.

you really don’t realize how badly somebody is treating you until some one else comes along and treats you the way you ought to be treated. i learned this lesson last year, and had to go to a very dark and gloomy place before i was able to see the light. i have once again supported some one who doesn’t deserve me, this time in the form of a corporation… but hey, at least they paid me for this bullshit. that’s probably what i deserve for liking money too much.

never in a million years would i have thought that i would be so excited to be working with children, honestly. i’m in my twenties and i do the whole “being selfish” thing wayyyyy too well and i don’t foresee having a child of my own for a very long time, and generally don’t show interest in any form. after a lot of thought, though, i can’t imagine a more perfect opportunity. i have been really missing school, mostly because at my bullshit job, i never used my brain. in fact, using my brain usually only hurt me because nothing ever made sense in that crazy world. this new opportunity has enabled me to discover how smart i am, how quickly i can learn, and the best part is the learning won’t end here; i will have more opportunities for further training. don’t get me wrong, i am nervous AS FUCK to begin field work, but it’s all a very, very good kind of stress and it’s a challenge i definitely need.

over the last couple months, i’ve put a lot of thought into what some of my ultimate career goals are. as usual, there’s numerous things i can imagine myself doing and being completely happy at (retail, for the record, was never one of them). i’m so passionate about cannabis and the spread of awareness, research, and education in the industry, it’s something i would LOVE to be a part of and would be ruthlessly dedicated to. same with music, but with both of these, unfortunately a certain amount of luck and opportunity have to go your way before something like that can happen (i’ve tried in both industries with no luck). i have also considered being a writer (over and over and over and over again) and it’s still a possibility in my future, but right now i need structure and independence first. same with other forms of art and poetry; things i LOVE doing and would love it if one day i got paid to partake, but i’m just not in a position to fully dedicate myself to any one of these things, which is why i’ve accepted the fact that i need to be a “normal person” with a career for the time being.

one of my more realistic career goals, i’ve come to realize, is working with “troubled youth.” i put that in quotes because i believe “troubled youth” really just translates to “bad parenting.” i think back to every kid that has ever irked me for real (or even grownass enemies who i know were mistreated), and i can honestly only blame their parents for their actions. we’re all different, yes, but the way we are raised lays out such a blueprint for the way we perceive and interact with the world… something many parents seem to either overlook or just not give a shit about. i do give leeway for parents to some extent, because i had the best parents ever growing up and i was still such a shithead in middle school for no reason. but man, if there was only some adult in my life to tell me that this bullshit was only the beginning…. i don’t know, i would have just felt better, you know? not like a school counselor or any bogus shit like that, some one who will tell it like it is and still be a strong support for academics and being successful. there are a couple agencies in my area who cater to this sort of thing with adolescents, and i’ve applied to a few, but i really need experience first.

that’s where this opportunity comes in. retail has completely warped and diluted my faith in humanity. i used to be the person always willing to help out people, and now i’m mostly bitter with everyone unless i feel a genuine appreciation from the recipient, which is rare. and they’re usually older than 60. BUT, this opportunity taps into a different pool of recipients who will appreciate my work, even if they can’t say it out loud. i don’t need constant praise, i just hate people bitching about shit that doesn’t matter, and that’s the retail industry in a nutshell. even your co-workers and “colleagues” become vicious at some point, at least in my experience. this opportunity will give me rewards that i haven’t felt in a very long time; imparting wisdom on some one suffering abnormal impairments to make their lives more pleasant. the ultimate goal is to make them as independent as possible, and that’s something i’ve always felt passionate about. i’ll have to undergo many obstacles and various accidents involving bodily fluids in order to get those rewards, but i honestly feel like it’ll all be worth it.

every time i surprise myself in an extreme way, it is usually followed by massive success. so. here we go. 2014.

just took an anxiety assessment test (internet, non-scholar/accredited) and just reading the questions made me realize how much of the problems i perceive myself as having are anxiety-related. obsessive thoughts, control, IMPENDING DOOM, avoiding social contact, obsessing over health, easily angered/frustrated, less patient than used to be, feeling overwhelmed, worry, panic.

these have all slowly become encampments in my mind. and life.

sometimes, i think it would actually be pretty fucking sick to start over new somewhere else.

california’s a big state… fuck just any cannabis-friendly state, why not…

merry christmas

i was paid to get high quality bud for my parents, by some one who isn’t even related to me ahahahahahahahaha.

"so wait, let me get this straight - you’re a stoner?"
“well… yes. what do you expect?”
“nothing.
nothing…
at least you aren’t doing meth, coke, or alcohol…”
“like the rest of my family? nah. that’s not me.”
“well, i’m fine with you being yourself.”

so now i’m pretty sure all my cousins know, except the one who lives 3 miles from me, the one that’s been smoking since she was like 12. can’t help my fucked up family, or that the only thing we have in common is cannabis…. however, the point is, i’m glad to have experienced such acceptance. the majority of my family either smokes themselves or has at least tried an edible.

it’s so strange to me now, how i was first so afraid of cannabis that i hated it, and then when i found peace and comfort with it, i was so afraid of my family and the world not accepting me because of the ignorant stereotypes that made me confused in the first place.

it’s been such an interesting, long journey, but i’m so thankful for all that has happened. i have learned more about myself from this single plant than anything or anyone has ever taught me. it’s such a significant part of who i am and what i believe.

cannabis is concrete proof for the free minds, confirmation for the rest of my life that people, including and especially the government, will always lie to you to manipulate you into doing what’s right for THEM before what’s right for YOU. fuck those who judge cannabis and don’t know shit. if it isn’t for you, accept that. but you can’t get in the way of who it IS for.

i could write a book, y’all.

things to be excited about #001

time to rebuild the compassion/sympathy/empathy i lost while working 4 years at a bloodsucking retail corporation. i cannot express the sheer excitement i have to compose my professional declaration of voluntary termination. so close, yet i almost feel subdued because i don’t want to get myself set up for disappointment; my departure is long overdue, and leaving has been an unfulfilled dream of mine for quite some time.

"i really like [your work]. i can tell it’s something you really care about."

my boss, days ago ahahahaha if only y’all KNEW daydreaming about not needing this mediocre deadend job was the only thing that gets me through the day… for all 4 years… i’ve perfected the art of bullshitting, that’s for sure.

time to put MEANING and purpose back into my life. as scary as a new job/career seems at first, i am fearless. i got one job on lock and will get another opportunity in a couple days. may the best win. ;)

to my friends at “the company” - i’ll talk to you soon. i’ll think of you often. shit, i might even squeeze out a prayer for y’all. to the haters and shit-talkers i KNOW i got - pffffffft… ain’t worth the time. laterrrrrrr.

soon.