kinda nice being sober in public again. makes you realize that your paranoid stoner thoughts really aren’t necessary because 90% of the people you see don’t even know you’re there.

especially when you’re high.

20 plays

gotta be something for me to write this…

i randomly just wrote a letter for my love for no reason, ha. i normally like keeping this sort of thing private, but as i was about to text him this, i realized i had a lot more to say and it blossomed into this short novel. maybe read it if you don’t know anything about love and want to, or if you think you’re in love because you have sex with some one and it feels good. or just listen to this song for a short version, pretty much word for word exactly what i was vibing here.

idk, some days i wake up and have no idea how i’m going to get through the day. i’ve been a little down, with health issues, financial crap, and business things keeping me stressed and cranky… but for all the negativity we can experience, sometimes you wake up and know you’re gonna tackle the day. today was one of those days, so freaking productive that i feel like i could sleep for a week. yet i’m up thinking about how lucky i am, because no matter what, this is what my happiness boils down to.

….guess tumblr doesn’t let you make a read more link for audio posts, so you’re just gonna have to deal with a longass post in your feed.


dear david,

i don’t know if you remember, but december 17th, 2004 was our original anniversary date. for some reason, it never left my memory, probably because of how excited i was to actually be formally asked out by some one and not just stupid high school/middle school he said/she said crush/gossip dumb shit. so that marks 9 years that i have had romantic feelings for you. through awkward high school love, college drama, and now adulthood, i never stop being astounded by how well you and i connect and understand each other. i feel like you know me better than anyone else in the universe, and vice versa, but each day is like a new beginning and we never stop learning. over the year that we’ve been dating as adults, i’ve discovered just how right you are for me, and that i could never have anyone better. those are just words, but i can’t express the feeling of certainty that i have when i look at you at 2am when we’re lying on the floor with blankets after a long day and i just know that i will never need anything or anyone else. you aren’t perfect, but you are perfect for me, and since you entered my life in 2003, you have been the number one in my life… even when i had other flings with other people, you were first always, no matter how far in denial or how fucked up on drugs i was. 9 years and my feelings get stronger with each day.

i remember that week of sophomore year so well. if you recall, just days before we became a couple, you showed me just how good of a friend you were to me. i had been going through a dark time, and in those days reached my lowest point, and submitted to an action that i have never repeated since…. and rarely think or talk about, but it happened. i remember everything so clearly from that week, even what lead me to doing that, and i remember you were there for me through it all.

i know it irritates you to talk about the past sometimes, partly because it’s unchangeable, but perhaps mostly because we were all just dumb kids then… but i hope you know that whenever i reminisce on old times, be it high school or marching band or the de anza era or our most recent escapade, one thing in all those memories is always prevalent: your presence in my life. think about it. anytime i talk about old times, you are in every single memory. there is a full spectrum of other people in my memories, but also realize that whenever you and i are amongst the group, you were the one listening to me most, making me laugh most, and we would always keep each other in check (and still do). everyone who hangs out with us past and present can easily pick up on the fact that we connect the most in a group setting.

there are memories i have from high school without you, sure. like that one time me, alex, christina, and sarah were hanging out at hadar’s house. it was like a “party” because her parents were gone. you were invited, but i distinctly remember you had to help your dad with something that night… so while everyone else enjoyed watching edward scissorhands, i anxiously watched the front door from my peripheral vision, hoping by some chance that you would come through it (i think your official rsvp was “maybe”). i know you remember the big high school transfer ordeal, and you should know that it still devastates me to this day that we didn’t get to spend half of high school together. even during periods where we didn’t talk much, you were always my long lost best friend all the way over at the other school, and i am pretty sure that was one of the hardest challenges i had to get through in public school. it was even harder than being bullied…. finally found some one who was a misfit like me that also LISTENED to me and was just like me, just to have them leave. i assumed at that point that we would fade away forever and our relationship would never be the same again, as i had experienced with past friendships. i have never been so grateful to be so wrong.

but then when high school ended, right on cue you proved to me once again that you would be an important person in my life. a person who wouldn’t leave. i couldn’t believe it. remember our grad night? obviously since it was the same night, we couldn’t attend each other’s festivities, but i absolutely remember you calling me at 6am after both our all-night parties were over. you were on the bus coming home, and i was on my bed having a mental breakdown because i was so bummed out that high school was ending (i don’t think i’ve ever acknowledged that, but rest assured, one of the worst breakdowns i have ever had was right before that phone call). we both shared our experiences, and you were so thrilled about starting out with the blue devils.

so, i don’t know exactly what this note is supposed to be. i don’t really care that much about december 17th, or any date relating to romance, for that matter, because our love is so much bigger than relying on something so superficial and manmade. what we have, as corny as it sounds, nobody else will understand, and i’m totally fine with that. if my parents don’t get me, it would bum me out, but i would get over it; same with my brother and other close friends. but with you…. if we ever stopped being able to communicate, trust, and understand each other…. i would just be so devastated, i don’t even know what i would do.

with other flings, my biggest fears were always similar no matter who the person was. they ranged in intensity and varied based on the person, but were generally something like a) do they actually like me? b) do they love me, or hold the capacity to grow to love me? c) are they cheating on me? d) are they talking badly about me? e) do they judge me when they see me naked? f) are they just pretending to like me and secretly laughing about me? g) will they leave me? but you’re different in every way. i don’t have to be concerned or anxious over trivial bullshit like that. the only concern i have with you, honestly, is that i hope i die before you because now that you’ve been in my life, i just can’t imagine living without you. i just want you to know that. i want you to know that no matter how angry or irritated or bitchy i might be, or what the circumstances are, there is no situation or thing you could do to make me want to not be with you. you should assume that it will never be a possibility unless i specifically say so, because it is a thought i never consider.

people ask me about the future all the time, and i usually just pull something out of my ass based on how i feel at the time… but with you, it’s different. i was talking to my cousin last weekend and i ended up telling her that i have never been more sure of anything for my future like i am sure of you. it’s the truth. what do i want in the future? i want to be happy, that’s always been my genuine response, and i know that a life with you will always keep me happy. the job, home, family, car, everything else doesn’t matter to me nearly as much as you. my future is with you, it’s us, together taking on this bullshit world indefinitely not because we have to, but because we want to. there are times where i get low, get mad, get so fed up that i take myself back to that dark time in december 2004, but i remember you and i remember what we have, and i know that life will always be worth it with you in it.

so, yeah. this is pretty long, but at least it distracted me for a bit while i come to grips with the fact that i won’t be seeing you tonight. but it’s okay, it’s not my first choice, but i know it’s fine and it’ll be worth it because tomorrow’s a new day, a day that i will get to see you. and next year, and the year after, and the decade after, there you’ll be. my number one.

love for all eternity and through every universe and dimension,

what a fucking incredible week.

just had one of the greatest weeks in a very, very long time. this week has randomly been so chill for a bunch of different reasons! mostly because of our *PERFECT* santa cruz getaway… but still other awesome things going on!

  • my work was recognized by the ceo of our company (and it wasn’t hard to me at all, ha)
  • found an awesome new club with some BOMB edibles and the biggest shatter/concentrate collection i’ve ever seen! excited to try out more of their stuff!
  • 3 days off in a row, holla
  • popolol has had continued legal success and is another giant step closer to where he needs to be!
  • saw 12 years a slave finally, such a fantastic film…….
  • band practice on wednesday was chillasfuck!
  • HARVEST TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! love it. now i get to kick back and have all these clubs and hooks tell me about their awesome ounce deals… ffffffffff yeah! bring me that fire!
  • got a sickass healthstone handvape for my popolol. it’s a collaborative piece and hits soooooo well, yay!
  • coral reefer followed me on instagram, liked a bunch of my photos, AND commented with a question on one of them. i feel so special and honored. this also happened the day after i had a dream that i met coral and was so overwhelmed with happiness that i cried. LOL WEEEEIIIRRRRDDD
  • bumped up to king suite at santa cruz hotel for free… ridiculously huge room for 2? suuuuuuuure! teehee
  • the show, ohmygod. LOS RAKAS went so fucking haaaarrddddd! got us sooo pumped, holy shit
  • (had earplugs, thankfully, and even though at first i thought it was silly to take 3 pairs, all of them were used by the end of the night!)
  • ADAM TRAORE WAS FUCKING BOSS!!!!!!!!! from the second he arrived on stage, he had us all going crazyy. so awesome. second time seeing him and he did NOT disappoint. dat basssssss tho. especially whilst completely blazed off my ass… oh man it was the bestttttt
  • everyone at the show, speaking of which, was fucking chill as shit and it’s pretty rare to get that from a crowd, even intimate crowds. there were 2 people who couldn’t handle themselves, but all they did was embarrass themselves so it’s ku.
  • ADAM fucking jumped off the stage and hella danced with the audience. i got to dance with him twice!!!!!!! it was so fucking legit. like what the fuckk he’s a fucking hero to me and i was so juiced just to see him again and WE DANCED WITH HIM. second time he hella came over to our area and HELLA went right next to popolol and we all went nutsssss. it was so fucking awesome. I LOVE YOU ADAM TRAOREEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A-1 is the best bay area rap out there. HANDS DOWN. everyone else needs to take notes, cuz every person in that room was off the chain while adam was performing. fucking so incredible and inspiring. <3
  • when A-1 performed “ALL THAT!” …. fuuuuuuucccckkkkk!
  • cruised over to porter college at UCSC after the show to smoke with a friend in the wildnerness. it was beautiful as fuck and the perfect way to chill after that awesome fucking show. thanks, beth! you’re a sweetheart.
  • jclarneaux landed a paid internship at disneyland, which means i get to go to disneyland for free pretty soon. :D
  • somehow, after all these expenses and frivolous adventures, i’m still not broke! haaa
  • SO MUCH GOOD FOOD. and greek coffee mmmmmm. also dark chocolate-covered bacon…. yessssss!
  • FERRELL’S DONUTS on ocean street… on hittttttttt.

so yeeeeaaaah life’s rather kickass at the moment. :)

your life doesn’t become any more complete when you graduate from college.

i’m just saying this again, after saying it again and again and again and again, and i’ll say it again, until everyone understands. i see so many people going to college just because it’s the thing to do. WRONG, if you really care about your future and don’t have a planned career that’s a direct line after a particular degree, you should just stop wasting your money and teach yourself on your own. you can do that now, you know that right? and just in case you feel you can’t, there’s things like itunes university and shit. you should really look at it. really.

because i know you. you’re working hard, so hard. you’re holding down a job or two, an extra curricular, and your full-time classes and homework all for the sake of being a “scholar.” but all the bullshit and suffocating and money, you can’t even see that how you’re pushing yourself, TODAY, RIGHT NOW, is way more i inspiring than a piece of paper.

the degree won’t mean anything.

"go ask alice"

i’m a little more than halfway through… i mostly feel like this girl is just so lost and broken and almost nothing about it has to do with the drugs she’s doing, except it’s making her detach more? so yeah, making it “worse,” but it’s all because of how she’s approached it from the start…

i dunno, maybe this is why i never read this book. i DO like it, i just, i can’t… i don’t feel like a powerful connection with the character, and i guess from my experience both as a sober child and as a non-sober child i should be able to relate more, somehow?

after reading the perks of being a wallflower and feeling such a strong understanding and justification of THAT character… this just feels like she’s too young and dumb to know better. funny though, they both started off with LSD…

i’ll still finish it and still thoroughly enjoy it, because it’s still better than anything shown on television right now.


looking back, i wouldn’t have changed anything about when i started drugs, what drugs, where, and with whom. i can’t think of a smarter, better way than the way i did it… until of course i did that thing and then some other things BUT STILL, the drugs were always good. it’s funny, those 20 years in denial were actually still really beneficial for me, because if i started smoking too young, i don’t think i would have been able to make it out with a college degree, and that’s the truth. sometimes i sit for hours and wonder how i even got through senior year, my most challenging year academically… not because “potheads are couch potatoes,” but rather, the person i have BECOME since smoking this much… i just don’t have a lot of faith in these empty american dream endorsed establishments. i want education for everyone, but the thing is, how can we be sure what they’re teaching us is even “real” and even if they forced it into our minds, how can we be certain people would even listen? these are my biggest concerns with the future of education, from where things are now. i just can’t find any other justification for why education is becoming more and more an upper-class luxury and less of a right or even commonly understood goal. and we’re just taking it.

i just want everyone to be educated, but be insightful enough to know when they are being bullshitted, and i think i’m still buying into bullshit sometimes, too. if there was some way for me to make a living/survive without having to deal with these blood-sucking life-ending corporations, i would. sometimes i wonder what things might be like if i spent more time and effort into hustling than my own personal shit. i think i was tragically good at it.

i’m just thinking.

i just reread what i wrote, and i don’t see how any other human being could understand any of that, but it’s the best depiction of my train of thought and i can more or less understand it… so i don’t mind.

if i lived in a different time

i hear people around me all the time murmuring about how they wish they were from a different time, most seem to reflect on the way things “used to be.” people really do hate change, don’t they? i know mankind has plenty to regret, i’ll be the first to hate, but i think we’ve made some decent strides in what might hopefully be a world in which all creatures and organisms can peacefully coexist. the only theory we would need to worry about is darwin’s, because humans would get eaten just as much as animals…

….but if i lived in a different time, my opinion as a woman wouldn’t matter, i wouldn’t even be able to vote on the issues that affect my life.

if i lived in a different time, i would have been beaten in school until i used my right hand as my dominant writing hand, despite my left being easier.

if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t be able to know immigrants from mexico, which comprise the majority of my friends past and present.

if i lived in a different time, many forms of my favorite music would not yet exist, such as jazz, rock, electronic, and hip-hop.

if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t own my own vehicle, i wouldn’t even drive.

if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t be able to spit out curses and inappropriate phrases, just because i damn well want to.

if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t be able to talk to my best friend in israel, she would have just disappeared from my life.

if i lived in a different time, my future would be a desperate housewife, no customizing allowed.

if i lived in a different time, i would have to wear a corset on a daily basis, and

if i lived in a different time, i would have to marry a rich white man, which society implies any kind of rich male is bound to be happy and loved, but all the rich men i know are single and sad, even if they have a family.

if i lived in a different time, i might have to witness the most brutal forms of racism, and say nothing about it or else be tortured.

if i lived in a different time, i would have been “proven” to be a witch, and murdered without defense.

if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t have known neptune exists.

if i lived in a different time, i would be forced to believe in a religion.

if i lived in a different time, the only thing i could get away with smoking is a cigarette, and i would have to do it by stealing it from my mom and worrying about covering up the smell in the bathroom and other such nonsense.

if i lived in a different time, i might be raped and have no choice but to deal with it, not see a psychologist, and not tell anyone ever or else face further consequences up to and including termination.

if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t have the option to ex-nay an accidental pregnancy.

if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t have the option of openly desiring other women.

if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t be able to date some one of another race, when i’ve never dated anyone that shares mine.

if i lived in a different time, i wouldn’t have a social or personal life, because i would be working all day and night, only sleeping in my spare time.

if i lived in a different time, i would have cervical cancer right now, and be dying at the age of 24.

some people might be even more cynical, realizing it’s taken us this long to administer these privileges… but the point is they are privileges nonetheless, and at one point, they were not accepted. i know there are plenty of things that are still wrongfully prohibi-




but we still have a lot to be thankful for. mankind is its own worst enemy, we might not be the free spirits we hope to be, but at least we aren’t imprisoned and controlled and starving and suffering…….

……… least not all of us, at least not yet.

but i guess that’s a different rant entirely,

one that might read,

"if i lived in a different place."

it’s a shame, too

because there was a time when i believed in so many things. i believed in america, in our government, in our PEOPLE. i could justify volunteering, i wanted to make a career helping people in whatever way i could, and focused the latter portion of my college career discovering what that is…

only to discover like most things, my dream was only an illusion and completely out of my grasp. and i tried pretending i still cared, i tried shaking it off, but as much as i ignored it, i knew i could never be totally genuine again and that if i were to help some one, there’s a good chance they wouldn’t even care because people don’t KNOW what they need. not that i do, but there was a time i wanted to know.

now i honestly don’t give a fuck about humanity, and the only place i would want to volunteer for is an animal shelter.

Go To Sleep Smoking Wake Up Smoking This Is The Bay


(Source: cloud9andrising)