just spent another couple hours straight on the computer working on something of an art project…. i think this is the most effort i have put into a christmas gift in a very long time… maybe ever actually… but YAY i’m done on my end, now it’s all up to shutterfly…. pleeeaaassseee get here in time… and be perfect how i made it ha

also

just did hella shit right after having an edible. thought it would get me to stop but all it did was change my music to kid cudi hahaha but now I’M DONE. just listening to the final tracks of man on the moon ii….. yeah. i had listened to good charlotte, dookie, magnetic man, sweet charity, and wicked beforehand… THAT’S HOW LONG I HAVE BEEN ON MY COMPUTER STRAIGHT LE WOW. what a fucking random group of albums, right? i just browsed my library and played them as i saw them. i liked it. 

photography, man. brings out all this creativity in me. it’s fucking nuts. AND CANNOT BE STOPPED UNTIL I HIT SEND OK.

goodnight, tumblahhhh! tomorrow is friday and i have it off and holy shit i get paid!?? so yeah, i’mma have a good friiiday. :)

• learn spanish, for reaaaal
• roll my own blunts. i fucking miss blunts, hmm.
• get back into playing piano, or really any music for that matter…. but for some reason, lately i’ve been feeling like rocking the keyboards.
• meet cool people online again. i used to be hella good at making friends on the webz, but i lost contact with most of them and/or i’ve changed so much that most of them lost my trail. shoutout to those who still keep up with me, haaa

for now, i need a fucking riiiiiiide. and to write my cousin back. he gets out so soon, december 23rd is gonna be here before we know it!!!!! ahhhhh! it’s been 6 years y’all….

i wish i had some edibles right now, fuuuck.

thanks,
otterpopz

recently passed the one-year of me taking my first line, last time i did it was april… so that means it took me less than 5 months to realize i’m good without it. i see the appeal and won’t deny it’s tight, but i ain’t about that life. y’all can keep that shit. nothing beats some good bud and music, anyway….

lots of things changing, all for the better even if right now is hard. more change to come, just gonna ride it out and chill like i have been.

and you know, these days, i handle my liquor 1,000,000,000x better than before. i may run my mouth and i may break my heels, but nothing like before, only good times with me. nothing’s really changed except for the fact that i’m wiser, classier, and don’t let stupid shit get to me. i cannot express how drunk i was while playing beer pong at last week’s party, so i’m just proud of myself. this has been a really awesome week, and i’m finally able to look forward to what’s ahead again.

————————————————————————

…….can i just make a public service announcement to the world that i don’t wanna go to grad school? or like. will people just stop fucking asking so i don’t have to come up with an answer…….?

yesterday, my mom said to me, “i never thought i would see you with pink nails.” i understood her disposition and knew where she was coming from, so i sort of just smirked and shrugged. she felt so appalled by it that she told my brother and dad, too. my brother thought she was joking.

i don’t know, i just love it when people say things like that to me. “i never thought you would…” O, RLY? YES, PERFECT. i don’t want you to know my next move. i don’t want everyone to expect or be able to predict what i’m going to do, even when it comes to something as trivial as nail polish. i don’t wanna be the person who is so dead-set in their ways that they can’t break away from their own norm, you know? how else are we to grow? how am i to know that green matches me better than any other color unless i try out some other colors once in a while, too?

BAY AREA, born + raised. i’mma big city girl, but don’t be fooled by my knack for technology… i can survive the wild. first camping trip was when i was 2 weeks old, i’m fuckin savage. sf giants fan since birth, sjsu graduate since ‘12.

music, neon colors, rainbows, fashion, marijuana, 90’s nostalgia, cats, leopard print, GREEN, hiking, partying, zombies, psychology, graffiti, hallucinogens, amphetamines, health, diversity, astronomy, theater/musicals, new york city, the human brain, hello kitty, money, + other assorted awesomes. attracted to passion, addicted to friendship, dependent on no one, accept everyone. interested in anything that opens my mind or furthers my knowledge. i’m an amazing person to know, when i enter your life, you’ll want me to stay there.

musics: dubstep, electronica, bay area rap & hip-hop. kid cudi, e-40, king chip, dream theater, zeds dead, nero, infected mushroom, too $hort, pendulum, benga, skream, magnetic man, the bloody beetroots, broken bells, deadmau5, dubsidia, lady gaga, wzrd, lil rue, linkin park, steve aoki, porcupine tree, pink floyd, and green day.

tvs: dexter, mad men, breaking bad, shameless, south park, and family guy.

anything else…. just ask! :)

oh, you can call me kt.

i spent way too long on this shizz today, but i have no regrets. my blog is 1,000% ME and i think i’m fucking fantastic, so. yeah.

i’m going to make an official “intro” post too or whatever now, but first i need to go walk around or something because holy crap i have locked myself in this room with music for too long and i think i forgot how to real life?

:)

“another disaster,” says the negative thoughts in my head. if you would have told me a month ago that all this shit would have happened, i probably would have responded with something neurotic and sarcastic like, “just kill me now then.”

but you know what? fuck that.

i’m still alive, and that’s really what matters. it’s ironic, isn’t it? this whole time i’ve been paranoid about driving, “running from the cops” when i should have been focused on my own goddamn actions, worried about only my goddamn self.

i’ve thought about this happening for quite some time, i was almost in discomfort as i waited for fate or whatever the fuck it is to hit me up, “give me what i deserve,” and let me suffer from the consequences of my own actions. it’s almost like i secretly want the lesson, i wanna learn the hard way. let’s face it, i’m meant to be alive right now. life would be dull without all these hurdles for me to overcome, and despite the pure bullshit of some of them, it’s life and i’ll deal with it and i don’t fucking care anymore.

you rubbed off on me in such a way that it truly doesn’t matter if we speak again or not; you nor anyone else can take what i’ve gained, what i know now. i listened to you always, i have your wisdom, and i understand your struggles. you can’t take that away. i’m strong but you won’t see me ever flexing my muscles for anyone.

if i remember right, you were dead wrong….

for so long now, it seems i have dug myself into a hole, and now i’m a prisoner to my own thoughts, and the chains i carry around are anxiety and guilt.

i don’t even feel like myself anymore. i mean, i do SOMETIMES. occassionally my real self makes a guest appearance, i’ll even go out and get drunk and not be a problem… but in general, i have let my mindset go and have set myself up for disaster every single day. most days, it’s all i can do to get out of bed before noon, and even then, all i wanna do is sleep. i literally tell myself that nothing is going to make it better… and i’m so wrong. i CAN change it, in fact i can control it.

for too long, now, i am dependent on “being rescued” by others. i put the burden on them and make it so their actions dictate not only my mood, but my day. why? because bad things kept happening to me, and i couldn’t stop it or control it and i needed to be “saved.” first my car, then april, my grandfather… i mean, there’s always SOMETHING to be sad about, right? the thing is, at this point i’m letting very few things positively impact me, and i’m allowing wayyyyy too much to affect me negatively.

when did this start? it’s been a buildup since last september, and it’s only gotten worse… but i’m done being like this. i have ruined too many days allowing my negative thoughts to take control, and i have had enough.

i can’t be mad at everyone for my car getting broken into. i can’t NOT trust every little thing because some stranger who hasn’t ever been identified decided to be a shithead. i also can’t control the fact that one of my best friends was involved in a car accident and passed away. these are unfortunate events, yes, but they don’t have to ruin me. i can’t control what’s happened, but i can control how i react to it and how much i let it bother me. as i said before, i have been digging myself into a hole here. it’s an interesting pair of things to be upset over… on one hand, the whole trust thing with my car and the subwoofer and everything… pair that with losing a friend…

all it takes is one bad thought. the same bad thought… and it changes everything about how i go about my day. what is the thought? that somehow, in some way, every single person that i love and care about will eventually be taken from me. while this is true, it doesn’t mean i need to compromise the time i DO have with these people. i am worrying, i am CONSTANTLY worrying that something bad is going to happen to some one i love. while this isn’t necessarily unrealistic, because really it’s only a matter of time before something DOES, i am stuck “on guard” WAITING for it to happen. i make myself miserable and then thrust unreasonable and selfish expectations on those i’m close with… and at the end of the day, i can only wonder why they stick with me, and then i get all soppy and even more emotional that i already am. do this almost every day for 365 days… and yeah, i’m tired. my mind has had enough. i have put my nerves through so much.

that’s all i have to say for now. wake n baaaake!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)