i have to say something.

this weekend is a lot of things. first saturday i have worked in a long time. first time seeing my grandpa in a couple months. first time leaving my brother’s gf in charge. easter. greek easter. 4/20. today is the 19th, which means it has been 8 years since my grandma passed away. yesterday was the 18th, which would have been april’s 28th birthday. it’s a lot of feelings.

today at work, some one left their key in the baler. this happens fairly often and sometimes stumps people for 45 minutes while they desperately look for their keys; i’m not sure why, but i tend to be the one to find them a lot, even though it’s the same answer every time. today’s key i had never seen before. the baler key was solo on the keychain which had a las vegas piece. it was nice. one side had the strip all embossed in silver, it was sunset in the photo. the opposite side has the same photo, but was rainbow. i told every person i was currently working with that i found a key, asked if it was theirs. i never found the owner. i knew it wasn’t left there from a previous shift because i used the baler earlier and there was no key. nobody had left from that time to the time i found the key and asked everyone. i left it in the office.

yesterday i told my mom that i don’t really believe in heaven or an afterlife. i feel guilty for being this way, because while my mom is 80% secular, the small amount that she believes in, she has been enlightening me about my entire life. i think she feels like maybe she should have tried harder for me to be religious. i mean, she TELLS me that she wanted me to choose, but i feel like deep down she feels like she should have pushed me to at least try it. my grandma was the only other person who talked about heaven, and occasionally jesus christ. the only time i ever sang in a church, i was next to her. it wasn’t jesus i was singing for, and i didn’t care because it made her so happy and it made me so happy to see her so happy. she passed away of a sudden heart attack less than a week later in las vegas.

april was the first co-worker i had that became my friend. i was friendly and got along with everyone, but april was the one who asked me for my number and invited me out. her dad is a pastor and so she was very faithful to her religion, at least in the view of those who believed, too. one time we were both really drunk at a club with all our crew at the end of the night and i called her a bible girl. this was offensive and i knew it, but since i solely knew the “bad christian” side of her, she was able to laugh at it too. april had to get her tires changed a month before she died in october. her dad was above all a family man and was dedicated to saving money for his family and his community. he would make her buy used tires to avoid buying the super expensive ones, eliminating the need to buy four at a time. april grew up in east palo alto and felt strongly about not going to this mechanic alone, even though he was the mechanic her dad had always gone to and she knew. she abruptly asked me to go with her to change her tires one day when we got off work at the same time. when she asked, she told me that she needed somebody for carpool, since a trip to EPA could easily take 40 extra minutes at that hour. i gladly accepted and went with her to EPA where i witnessed a group of mechanics change a single tire of april’s red car. we got starbucks afterward and gossiped. a month later, she was involved in a car accident that involved a single car and a tree. the autopsy reported she was not intoxicated. the cops declared she hadn’t been speeding, somehow. their best guess is that one of her tires popped.

i wish i believed in heaven. i wish i could still have those hopes, but what i believe doesn’t align with that anymore. i need to find ways to cope with mortality, and i already have come a long way. i feel like i have been really close to death twice, but death has been a constant in my life. i have attended a funeral probably on average of once per year since i was four. then when i had to cope with losing my pets, i felt like i couldn’t possibly deal with this life and death concept. but since these two deaths, i have pretty much thought about every one in my life dying. it’s very distressful.

i feel like in the end, it’s all worth knowing better and living this life for NOW than to expect anything other than life and death. and if there is one thing my mom has helped me understand, is that life is a miracle… but with life, most certainly comes death.

"In modern day society, you are frowned upon if you don’t strive for a job that provides you with wealth. You are frowned upon if you struggle from mental illness. You are frowned upon if your goal in life is not to have a stereotypical job, a stereotypical family, wearing stereotypical clothing, with a stereotypical culture that surrounds you in the area you live in.
I think it is so indescribably tragic the way that the world works in this day and age. The way that people put all of these things before their own mental health, before love and empathy. You’re more likely to be congratulated for being filthy rich, than being truly happy. Some people don’t even get to know themselves. Some people don’t even bother to experience seeing, tasting and feeling new things. Some people don’t even allow themselves to see and understand things from an entirely different perspective; some people don’t even experience true happiness, and what it is to truly live.
This is something that makes my heart drop to the pit of my stomach, the tormenting thought that just like nearly the whole entirety of the human race, I too may live a closed minded, boring and stereotypical life. I fear death many years before I am buried.
The way that most people live is simply too hard to break away from because it is the way that us humans survive, and it is barely even recognized. To choose to take the easy way with the rest of the world is too tempting and far too comfortable. I am sure that plenty of other people see things similarly to the way that I do, but it is almost inevitable when you’re already half way there from being bought up in this tragic cycle to begin with.
In this day and age, it is seemingly nothing but pure fate that can scrape you out of living an ordinary life."

"If you’re not losing friends then you’re not growing up."

(via expiry)

(Source: sensxal-bliss)

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”  -  Jim Morrison

(Source: babeimgonnaleaveu)

(Source: rxyalty)

60mg kindcaps indica capsule + johnny wonder cone + vick’s nyquil = NOT soberrrrrrrrrrrrrr

ahjohnny… whandergh??!

i don’t make sense to a lot of people. but usually i at least make sense to myself. i feel like i’m just waiting on so many things, i have such a thirst for progress and right now is patience and it’s a bummer i worked so hard for so long just to inevitably wait in line at the-uncle-sam-rapes-your-ass-and-makes-you-glad-about-it-protection-plan extravaganza

at this point, i wanna get out of line. i don’t wanna be here. with these people, at this competition.

all i’m discovering is what i’m not.

"Don’t ever put your happiness in someone else’s hands. They’ll drop it. They’ll drop it everytime."

C.Barzak, One For Sorrow   (via dissapolnted)

(Source: feellng)


swag won’t pay the bills but apparently neither will your degree

Does anyone else lie in bed at 2:30am filled with the crippling fear that they’re never going to accomplish anything in life and fail miserably or is that just me

"Perhaps the fact
that I chased a boy
who ripped me to shreds
says a lot more
about me
than it did about him."

Michelle K., Lessons Learned (via stoneyxochi)

"[Personal evolution] never stops. That’s the nature of the human brain. You don’t stop playing the game when you hit Level 2. You get better armor and more badass spells, and you move on to the next quest. I still have financial problems, just in new ways. Are they as bad as when I used to buy gas with pocket change? Hell no, I wouldn’t go back to that at gunpoint. But the problems are there — I’m just better equipped to deal with them now. It’s the same with depression. I still deal with it, because that’s not something you just ‘cure.’ It’s something you manage. If you’re not prepared for this fact, you’re going to find yourself woefully disappointed in five years when you look back and tally up your progress. … All you will see is ‘[I’m] still just casting spells at monsters,’ and all that progress won’t feel like progress at all."

"Try to say nothing negative about anybody for three days, for forty-five days, for three months. See what happens to your life."

Unknown (via perfect)

oh my…. i just might have to take this challenge.

(Source: princedieinheaven)


life is joke

to understand joke

means to laugh @ all life

& hold nothing sacred