i have to say something.
this weekend is a lot of things. first saturday i have worked in a long time. first time seeing my grandpa in a couple months. first time leaving my brother’s gf in charge. easter. greek easter. 4/20. today is the 19th, which means it has been 8 years since my grandma passed away. yesterday was the 18th, which would have been april’s 28th birthday. it’s a lot of feelings.
today at work, some one left their key in the baler. this happens fairly often and sometimes stumps people for 45 minutes while they desperately look for their keys; i’m not sure why, but i tend to be the one to find them a lot, even though it’s the same answer every time. today’s key i had never seen before. the baler key was solo on the keychain which had a las vegas piece. it was nice. one side had the strip all embossed in silver, it was sunset in the photo. the opposite side has the same photo, but was rainbow. i told every person i was currently working with that i found a key, asked if it was theirs. i never found the owner. i knew it wasn’t left there from a previous shift because i used the baler earlier and there was no key. nobody had left from that time to the time i found the key and asked everyone. i left it in the office.
yesterday i told my mom that i don’t really believe in heaven or an afterlife. i feel guilty for being this way, because while my mom is 80% secular, the small amount that she believes in, she has been enlightening me about my entire life. i think she feels like maybe she should have tried harder for me to be religious. i mean, she TELLS me that she wanted me to choose, but i feel like deep down she feels like she should have pushed me to at least try it. my grandma was the only other person who talked about heaven, and occasionally jesus christ. the only time i ever sang in a church, i was next to her. it wasn’t jesus i was singing for, and i didn’t care because it made her so happy and it made me so happy to see her so happy. she passed away of a sudden heart attack less than a week later in las vegas.
april was the first co-worker i had that became my friend. i was friendly and got along with everyone, but april was the one who asked me for my number and invited me out. her dad is a pastor and so she was very faithful to her religion, at least in the view of those who believed, too. one time we were both really drunk at a club with all our crew at the end of the night and i called her a bible girl. this was offensive and i knew it, but since i solely knew the “bad christian” side of her, she was able to laugh at it too. april had to get her tires changed a month before she died in october. her dad was above all a family man and was dedicated to saving money for his family and his community. he would make her buy used tires to avoid buying the super expensive ones, eliminating the need to buy four at a time. april grew up in east palo alto and felt strongly about not going to this mechanic alone, even though he was the mechanic her dad had always gone to and she knew. she abruptly asked me to go with her to change her tires one day when we got off work at the same time. when she asked, she told me that she needed somebody for carpool, since a trip to EPA could easily take 40 extra minutes at that hour. i gladly accepted and went with her to EPA where i witnessed a group of mechanics change a single tire of april’s red car. we got starbucks afterward and gossiped. a month later, she was involved in a car accident that involved a single car and a tree. the autopsy reported she was not intoxicated. the cops declared she hadn’t been speeding, somehow. their best guess is that one of her tires popped.
i wish i believed in heaven. i wish i could still have those hopes, but what i believe doesn’t align with that anymore. i need to find ways to cope with mortality, and i already have come a long way. i feel like i have been really close to death twice, but death has been a constant in my life. i have attended a funeral probably on average of once per year since i was four. then when i had to cope with losing my pets, i felt like i couldn’t possibly deal with this life and death concept. but since these two deaths, i have pretty much thought about every one in my life dying. it’s very distressful.
i feel like in the end, it’s all worth knowing better and living this life for NOW than to expect anything other than life and death. and if there is one thing my mom has helped me understand, is that life is a miracle… but with life, most certainly comes death.