for so long now, it seems i have dug myself into a hole, and now i’m a prisoner to my own thoughts, and the chains i carry around are anxiety and guilt.

i don’t even feel like myself anymore. i mean, i do SOMETIMES. occassionally my real self makes a guest appearance, i’ll even go out and get drunk and not be a problem… but in general, i have let my mindset go and have set myself up for disaster every single day. most days, it’s all i can do to get out of bed before noon, and even then, all i wanna do is sleep. i literally tell myself that nothing is going to make it better… and i’m so wrong. i CAN change it, in fact i can control it.

for too long, now, i am dependent on “being rescued” by others. i put the burden on them and make it so their actions dictate not only my mood, but my day. why? because bad things kept happening to me, and i couldn’t stop it or control it and i needed to be “saved.” first my car, then april, my grandfather… i mean, there’s always SOMETHING to be sad about, right? the thing is, at this point i’m letting very few things positively impact me, and i’m allowing wayyyyy too much to affect me negatively.

when did this start? it’s been a buildup since last september, and it’s only gotten worse… but i’m done being like this. i have ruined too many days allowing my negative thoughts to take control, and i have had enough.

i can’t be mad at everyone for my car getting broken into. i can’t NOT trust every little thing because some stranger who hasn’t ever been identified decided to be a shithead. i also can’t control the fact that one of my best friends was involved in a car accident and passed away. these are unfortunate events, yes, but they don’t have to ruin me. i can’t control what’s happened, but i can control how i react to it and how much i let it bother me. as i said before, i have been digging myself into a hole here. it’s an interesting pair of things to be upset over… on one hand, the whole trust thing with my car and the subwoofer and everything… pair that with losing a friend…

all it takes is one bad thought. the same bad thought… and it changes everything about how i go about my day. what is the thought? that somehow, in some way, every single person that i love and care about will eventually be taken from me. while this is true, it doesn’t mean i need to compromise the time i DO have with these people. i am worrying, i am CONSTANTLY worrying that something bad is going to happen to some one i love. while this isn’t necessarily unrealistic, because really it’s only a matter of time before something DOES, i am stuck “on guard” WAITING for it to happen. i make myself miserable and then thrust unreasonable and selfish expectations on those i’m close with… and at the end of the day, i can only wonder why they stick with me, and then i get all soppy and even more emotional that i already am. do this almost every day for 365 days… and yeah, i’m tired. my mind has had enough. i have put my nerves through so much.

that’s all i have to say for now. wake n baaaake!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

was exactly what i needed, after 8 long days straight of work. adventured around the south bayyyy and dealt with traffic ALL FREAKING DAY. waited over an hour in line for the best bar experience i’ve ever had, tried fried pickles for the first time, got white girl wasted~ finally ate at iguana’s, watched a drunk guy lose one of the lenses on his sunglasses (which is what he gets for wandering around shitfaced and wearing sunglasses at 10:30pm), randomly ran up some stairs because i’m not sure why? and just yeah singlebarrel was the greatest wtffffff i was so legitimately sauced that i couldn’t stop giggling, i loved it. when a drink is properly crafted like that, you only need 3… and i DID almost puke. ALMOST. ;) and at least when i started driving bad in the afternoon, i stopped myself before making it worse… got some bad habits i’ve been trying to fix. going steady but consistently… gotta do this… ANYWAY

and it all started from buying a half, which means holy fuck i should be good for a while, HUZZAH~

i just love anything that makes me laugh nonstop like that, holy shit. i felt like i was just laughing for like hours on end. it wasn’t a perfect day, but DANG i haven’t had that much fun in a looooong time, AND it was a friday. damn, i got it made. tks @popolol @jclarneaux & @40ozdrinker :D gotta go back with bela and luis nextttttt OHEMGEE. :D :D :D

hhhhhhhhaaaaaaapppppppppyyyyyyy. :)