focusing REALLY HARD on the two things i want most right now. one is coming along, the other remains a semi-lost cause but i’m not giving up. i have all these people looking out for me, so goddamn it why can’t i get a job that’s for grown ups? that’s literally how i feel. i’m 25 and i still feel like a kid sitting at my mom’s, waiting for the world to throw itself at me with blatant messages of what i should do, where i should go, who i should be.
maybe if i was religious, i would feel compelled by some “force” that would tell me these things. but there are no voices telling me what to do, other than the ones in my head, but they’re all mine. sometimes i wish i did take orders, though, it’s easier to take orders than to think and become an individual yourself.
anyway, focusing on these things takes a lot of patience and nothing. the nothing part is what kills me after a while. you put all your eggs in a basket and never know how they end up, it’s almost as if it never even happened. living this way puts me right on the brink of some kind of breakdown, i’m sure of it, i just don’t know what it would look like or if other people would even be able to tell.
i found myself reading all these posts by heroin addicts last night on reddit to pass the time, i’m not sure why i did that. i don’t like knowing other people are suffering… but i do want to hear their thoughts and experiences. living vicariously through heroin addicts.
that and i keep listening to eminem nonstop, seems to be the intended place where my wits and anger have led me.
music, internet, animals, cannabis. food. (of course, my loved ones.) this is pretty much all i have to get me through this period of “wait” and “be patient.” 2 fuckin years, 3 in may, when do i get to stop being patient?
until somebody can answer that for me or get me a better-payin-job, all my base are belong to SLIM SHADY.